Love Bites; Bullets

What Does She Want?

Fuck, this again? How many more days left of this damn school year to go. Whatever, I can skip whenever I want. But I can't today, because Dad is going to probably be home all day today.
I wake up to the Alarm clock, and my Dad throwing his empty beer cans at my head.
"Get up you little prick." He says drunkenly, and I roll out of bed again and actually hit the floor head first.
"Fucking idiot." He burps while walking away and laughing.

Once getting to school, I didn't even try to notice the crowd and just weaseled my way through without saying anything. Most times I'm in the hallway, everyone moves out of my way automatically because they're afraid of me. Which to me, is a good thing. A very good thing indeed.

The bell rung just about a minute after I got at the school, and I thought very long and hard about whether or not I was willing to skip, but decided against it until maybe later in the year. Plus, I still had loads of preparation to write down for the end of the year.

I decided today that I wanted to avoid people as much as possible, so I practically pushed my own way through to be one of the first to get to class. Not that I was eager to be there, because I can assure you it was quite the opposite.

Upon arrival, I sat at my usual seat and took out my notebook. I looked at my school map and began to draw it down into my notes of where I would start, and then how and where I decided to finish once it was over. Everything seemed to be lining up perfectly.

Shortly thereafter the entire map was copied into my notes, the teacher had already walked in and was ready to talk as I was putting my book away into my bag. I drifted off into my own head at that point, and all I could see was blood shed and bullets firing into the air as I sing a hallelujah dance surrounding their rotting bodies.  
"Everyone at the front of the room please!" The teacher looks right dead straight at me.
"Huh?" I say in confusion, as I can see everyone in the class just glaring at me.
"C'mon at the front please Ryan!" She gives me a stupid giant ass smile.
Of course I can't just not because I know I'll get in serious trouble, so I sigh loudly and make me way towards the front of the room with all of those little fuckers. Unfortunately, I ended up right behind that Casey girl.

From then on, I practically just stood there and listened to the teacher make and say ridiculous things as everyone stretched. I was having a horrible time, until she bent over. And I am not gonna lie about this but, I got a little toasty in that class that day. Something about a random girls ass made me thrilled. What is this feeling? She had a nice body I came to find out that very moment.
"Great everybody! We are finished!" I snapped back to reality and heard the teacher at the front say. Everyone sits down except me.
"Now you can finish your partnered projects!" She goes off somewhere, and so does everyone else. Oh shit I thought, because I hated this fucking project with a passion. Hell, I didn't even know what the fuck it was about!
That was when Casey looked behind her and straight into my eyes, making me feel odd.
"Have you ever done a Vocal Warm-up before?" She asks me out of nowhere.
"No." I pushed my hair in my face so I couldn't see her.
"I think you enjoyed that a little too much.." Then, she winked at me! Straight up fucking winks at me with no warning! I didn't know how to feel, still numb I guess. But I felt like I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
"Yeah, umm.." Was all I could utter out of me.
"Hmm?" She gives me that look, a sassy ass one too.
"I'm kidding!" She laughs very obnoxiously after that, and I was left speechless, so I just walked back to my little safety corner.
My safety corner suddenly wasn't so safe, now this chick is following me!? Now fuck that shit man! What does she want!
"Ryan I'm sorry if you weren't looking, and if you were then that's okay." I felt like she was trying to be honest with me, actually honest with me. Was she actually okay with me checking her out basically? Then again I don't know what the hell I did. I normally could care less about other people in general, let alone a pretty girl like Casey. But I just couldn't manage to spit the truth.
"I wasn't.." I lied to her, but not to the face like I can do to literally anyone. What's the matter with me? Why do I suddenly feel actual feelings of not being able to lie to someone?
"Okay umm.. Let me start over." Casey sticks her hand out towards me, and I knew it was a hand shake but I just didn't want to at first. So I decided to reach out and gently try and grasp her hand and she shook it for me.
"I'm Casey, and I am not really all that quirky and popular as you may or may not think." The first thing that came to my mind was she was straight up feeding me bullshit. I let go of the skin-to-skin grip, and fixed my hair again impulsively.
"I literally only have two friends, and they're not even here today as far as I know." She looks very nervous, and it's obvious, almost too obvious.
"The only reason why I am probably being annoying is because I am lonely, I literally have no one else to talk to at the moment." I've come to the conclusion that I wanted her to hear me out, but I couldn't put it into words. So I pulled out my notebook and flipped through the pages until I came to one of my old notes that had my random thoughts written out on the corners of the papers.
"What are you doing?" But I don't answer because I knew she'd eventually figure it out.
It felt like forever before I finally went to that page in my book that read,

I am very alone, with no friends or family.

"What do you mean no friends or family?" She questions, and I am already feeling overwhelmed. So, I closed the book and moved my hair to go back to my face.
"I don't have any friends anywhere, and my family hates me." I laid it all out there in all it's purity, but she apparently didn't understand and that got me angry.
"I'm sure your family doesn't hate you they may just not.. Understand you?" I didn't know if she was trying to help me, or make me feel worse. But I am not one to feel what others are feeling, so I couldn't really tell what she was trying to get at and it made me irritable.
"Oh trust me, they hate the shit out of me!" I only yelled that while whispering, because I was very close to flipping my shit.
"Why are you so angry all the time.." She sighs, and that set me off, because I didn't know how to approach something like that.
"I don't know how to answer that.." I back up away from her.
"I have to use the bathroom." I scoot back in my chair, and it makes a loud squeaking sound. In mere seconds, I had fully left the room and found the men's bathroom.

I stood in front of that mirror, slapped myself in the face, washed my face repeatedly with water, and mumbled to myself about how I was feeling all these unusual things. I did not know this girl, not one bit. But she's driving me wild, and I don't know if it's good or bad. It feels good, but so awful at the same time. The most bittersweet candy you could bite into. It's hard and sweet, but leaves a disgusting sour after taste. I couldn't tell if I wanted to like her, or if she would actually included be on my list for the map.
All of these feelings in the bathroom felt like I was in there for three minutes, but apparently it was a long time considering how the teacher reacted.
"Where were you Ryan!?" She shouts.
"What!? I drink a lot of water!" I felt mad, crazy, ravenous, and sarcastic.
I take my seat, and Casey is showing me a piece of paper with scribbled words on it in ink.
"I finished the project." She says.
I felt like I was gonna burst into tears for no reason, because I just couldn't handle these strange emotions.
"I am sorry.." I say as I drop my head on the table.
"Talk to me Ryan.. I wanna help you." She whispers to me and touches my shoulder, and all I could hear was my mother in my head from childhood, grabbing my shoulder as hard as she could before dislocating it while screaming at me.
I jump up as quickly as I could, and she backs up.
"I don't need your help! I don't need anyone's help! I am perfectly fine on my own! I don't need your fucking charity work." I grab the chair and just crank it into the table with tons of pissed off force.

Not long after I leave, the bell rings and I go outside to my secret hiding place to smoke. And after that, I can't really go into detail of where I stayed for the rest of the day. But I certainly don't remember going to any classes proceeding on. I just walked around where I was hidden, and thought very carefully about what just happened for the rest of the day. I couldn't seem to get her out of my head all day long, even after dismissal time.

I ran all the way home until I sweat an entire bathtub. Pushed open the door, and immediately went in my bedroom and locked the door behind me. Took off my coat, then my sweater, then my shirt. And proceeded to sit at my mirror and examine my old scars. Some were more fresh than others. Grabbing my new razor blade, slowly glided across the newest scars causing it to go even deeper. Once that was said and done, ripped off my other shirt, and looked at my entire top torso. So many opportunities, until I wanted to redecorate my room! Threw the lamp on the ground, oops there goes my alarm clock, and oh shit my cheap ass tiny closet is on the floor now. My coat was on the bed, and my knife was poking out. Open the blade, and sliced both sides of my neck and let the blood drip down all the way down to my pants.

After all was said and done, I was sweating, trembling, and bleeding of course. How did I let it get this bad? All over a girl? Man, what the fuck does she want.