memories ﻬ am

Thirteen

Kaitlin Winchester

@AustinMahone: You’re so blind to see the way I look at you

I wait outside in Austin’s range rover, hoping and praying he would just get in the car so we could go see that movie we wanted to see. I tried to focus on Austin this week, trying to remove my nightmares of the car accident that kept playing in my head. Austin would try to distract me, but he went to the studio a lot and it left me alone to think. When I wasn’t with Austin, Lily would try to take me out, but she started working and had no time to really be with me.

I was sort of alone most of the time. I was up in my room, writing music, and recording it on my laptop. That was how I would distract myself. I would dive straight in music. I would listen to music, write music, sing music, define music, I would ear music if I could. I seemed to just get distracted in it. Sometimes I’d even cancel on Austin if I was getting really into a song.

I’d also read a lot. I’d get lost in books, wishing my life was some fairy tale where I got the guy in the end. I would find myself reading romance novels and then ranting about it to Lily. She seemed to be getting annoyed too, but she understood how I was feeling. I’ve been finding ways to distract myself.

The only person who didn’t seem annoyed at me was Austin, until today.

Austin slammed the door, making me close my book. “Austin, this book is so good!” I speak up, and Austin just sighs in annoyance. I had to go silent for a second, realizing he probably didn’t care.

“What movie do you want to see?” he voices, not seeing too excited like usual.

“Whatever you want,” I say, shrugging and looking out the window. I think maybe he just had a bad day in the studio or something. I didn’t want to piss him off anymore, but I guess I did.

“I asked you for a reason,” he sound aggravated, so I just got out of the car. I pick up my book, and just walk. I can hear Austin start his car, and he was just going to let me walk home which was going to be an hour or less walk. I don’t know what I had done wrong really. All I wanted to do was get my mind off my parents dying. Yeah, I don’t have parents. It sucks and there’s nothing I can do about it but get over it. That’s all I needed to do I guess.

I found myself walking for only two minutes before seeing Austin’s range rover pull up next to me. He rolled down the window, a frown etched on his pretty little face. I hated seeing that, but right now I was upset. I started to think about my parents and that makes me really emotional as it is. And now Austin is irritated at me. You can only ask so much out of someone emotionally unstable.

“Kaitlin, let me drive you home,” Austin whispers, and I don’t say no. I head over shotgun and get in so quietly, you could hear crickets. I couldn’t find myself to talk to him. If I started talking I’d start crying. I still never even asked him why he left. I couldn’t find myself to. He hasn’t asked about how I’ve been feeling recently, but I think everyone thinks I’m fine. But I’ll never be fine.

I look outside, hoping Austin would turn on the radio so I could release some of the awkward tension between us. But no. He didn’t budge. He made sure the silence killed the both of us.

“I’m sorry. I’m just really stressed,” he admits, and I just shake my head casually.

“It’s whatever,” I speak, my voice cracking slightly from trying to not cry from all the thoughts being throw at me about how my parents died. It was my fight. I should’ve stopped them from fighting. I should’ve done something to just make sure they were happy before that car ride. I should’ve been a better kid.

I could feel tears streaming down my face as Austin parked, and I immediately rushed out of the car, keeping my head low. I didn’t wish Austin a goodbye because honestly my voice was about to make it obvious I was broken. So I just barged in and went straight up to my room to just cry. I slammed my door so quietly and slide down it, letting my tears roll down my cheeks.

If my parents were still here I wouldn’t have to deal with Austin and his feelings for Camila and not me. He would still be out of my life, gone, but did I want that? Did I even still want him?

Tomorrow is the first day of school ever since my accident and I know a lot of guys talk about wanting to get with me at this new school. I guess they saw me on the news and the teachers told about the accident. Maybe I can find someone new. I just had no one. I could be one of those girls who ended up being a hoe, but I found myself more infatuated with books then boys at this new school. All I wanted was Austin, but I couldn’t have him.

I just wish I wasn’t some big charity case like I felt.

I just wanted to be seen as the fun, everyone went to when they were sad, and just happy Kaitlin. I wasn’t ever like this. I didn’t annoy people. I didn’t have people not want to be around me and every since my parents died that’s all I felt like. They just had to hang out since my parents were dead, and it sucked.

@KaitlinWinchester: I’m sick of being a charity case