Salted Wound

Christmas

In a perfect world, all the worries of a person would magically disappear during the holidays because that's how the whole world advertises it. Sometimes people are just lucky to actually have this commercial image in their living rooms. And sometimes that's all a mirage.

    Ana sits in the living room with Julian in her arms watching Rudolph the Rednosed Reindeer. It's 5 minutes till midnight which is usually the traditional time that the Flores family celebrates Christmas and opens their presents. Estrella is in the kitchen making hot chocolate and Lluvia is taking the cookies out of the oven. It's their dessert after a big meal of tamales and posole.

    This is the same image the family had a year before. And the year before that. Except this time Ana is suffering the ball of fear and hurt of what happened to Zamari three days prior to this night. She has called a million times and has tried to visit Jade and Zamari in the hospital, but they won't let her. Kailanni, Zamari's mom, told her that she would keep her updated for any changes, but she hasn't received anything. All she can do now is hope and pray they are alright.

    The clock strikes midnight and the family huddled together to wish each other a Merry Christmas. They drink their hot chocolate and eat their cookies while taking out some presents they have under the small white Christmas tree. The next few minutes are Julian ripping open four presents he received from his family and while having a face full of excitement to see his new toys. Estrella opens a small mint green baby outfit from Ana and places it on her growing belly. Lluvia gets a locket necklace that Ana found at the antique store with Zamari and puts a picture of the whole family inside. Ana gets a snow globe with a castle inside that sings a Christmas song when she turns the knob.

They all enjoy their new treasures until it's time to head to bed. They leave the ghost of the room outside their house for the night, but it follows Ana all the way into her room. She sits in her bed with the gifts Zamari gave her, holding it close to her chest. Her relationship with Zamari is different than she thought it was. She didn't think it would affect her this much, but it's killing her wondering if he's okay or not.

She hops out of the bed and walks over to a CD player she has next to a picture frame she has of her dad and places one of the CD's inside. She lets the familiar song play from the machine and she crawls into bed and hides under the sheets. She closes her eyes and tries not to imagine what it would be like without Zamari in her life. Somehow she doesn't remember what it's like when he wasn't in her life. That must have been one dark and sad time.

---

    Shadows envelop the hospital, the late night sky outside making the night feel heavy with expectations. Jade remains unconscious, under the influence of pain medication and anesthesia from surgeries the past two days. Kailanni holds a sleeping Amari close to her chest as she leans down to kiss her daughter on the forehead, whispering a watery 'Merry Christmas' to her, though she won't hear her. Zamari stands at the door, a stony mask of an expression on his face, his bruised features pulled tight. He had been released from the hospital the day before after the doctors were satisfied that he didn't have a concussion or any broken bones. It's the night of Christmas Eve, a time usually the whole family would be together at home, watching movies and eating as much popcorn as they possibly could.

Zamari's hold on the doorknob is tight as he wonders to himself, how the hell did we get here? Why didn't I see that fucking car? He forces himself to stay calm for his mom, for his baby brother, both of which have cried enough for all four of them since the accident happened. He can still hear Jade calling his name over and over from the ambulance, sounding weaker each time, feel the hoarseness of his throat as he insisted, shouted until he was shaking, that she's his sister, his twin, he couldn't leave her, they couldn't split them up, even just to the hospital, remembered telling a cop of all people to fuck off when she tried to insist that he had to go in a separate ambulance, that he needed to be treated while he insisted he was fine, even as blood dripped into his eyes.

    Kailanni gathers her purse on her arm, snapping Zamari back to the present as he offers to take Amari out to the car. His mom shakes her head, holding him tighter and claiming he's not heavy, even as her arms strain to hold him. Zamari doesn't argue, lets her continue past him as he says he'll be down soon. His mom lets the door fall shut behind her, and he sinks down into a chair next to his sister, even as the speakers overhead quietly remind him that visiting hours are ending. Her bruised face is turned up toward the ceiling, peaceful in the shadowed room, and Zamari recalls a quote she of all people had told him. "There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so". His head falls into his hands and his shoulders begin to shake with silent sobs. His tears gather in the creases of his hands, run down his chin and drip to the floor as he whispers stop thinking, stop thinking, stop thinking, please over and over, crying hard as he begs God to take her place, for the truck to have come from the other side of the road, crushing his leg and side instead of his sister, to do something. His sobs quiet slightly and he runs a hand over his eyes, knowing he has to get himself together, to be strong. He spares one more glance for Jade, a slow even breath, and he leaves.