I am having a lot of emotions right now and when I came home I wasn't expecting my family to be as loud as they were and my sister was not being very nice and she was kinda just not paying any attention to me and she undermined everything I said or did and it felt like she was making sure I knew that she's more important then me. And then she was putting was in my mouth and complaining that I was acting like a typical senior and saying that I thought I wasn't getting enough attention and that my family sucks which is not what I was thinking at all I'm just tired and overwhelmed and it feels like she doesn't give a shit about me and that my feelings are invalid.
And I have a lot of other things going on in my brain and heart right now about college and the future and passions and aspirations and I have a huge fucking crush and OHMYGOD SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED I promise I'll fill you in later but right now my sister is just making me feel really small right now. The way she talked to me made it seem like she was making sure I wasn't as important as I think I am and that she is way more important and she just makes me feel so stupid and useless and like I'm just walking in her fucking shadow and I've been doing that my entire life and I am so fucking tired of feeling like I am not my own person. I am not just off brand version of my sister. I am a different goddamn person and I don't understand why it's so hard for people to understand how hard it is to be myself and try to figure myself out when everything I've done so far is just follow in her footsteps and now it feels too late to try and be own person and I'm just freaking the fuck out right now and I feel so incompetent.
I FEEL LIKE MY FAMILY TREATS ME LIKE I AM INVISIBLE I AM NEVER THE OWN WHO IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. I AM NEVER THE ONE WHO HAS THE ATTENTION. AND SENIOR YEAR IS SUPPOSED TO BE MY TURN AND MY BROTHER IS TAKING SOME OF THAT AWAY BECAUSE HE IS NOT LEAVING UNTIL AFTER MY SENIOR YEAR STARTS. AND MY SISTER IS TREATING LIKE I AM STUPID AND THAT I SHOULD NOT HAVE ALL THE ATTENTION EVEN SHE GETS SO MUCH FUCKING ATTENTION BECAUSE SHE JUST DEMANDS IT SHE IS SO LOUD. NOT JUST HER VOICE BUT JUST HER PERSONALITY AND HER GODDAMN PRESENCE AND I AM SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SOMEBODY'S SISTER INSTEAD OF JUST BEING A PERSON.
