A lot has happened since I was last on here. But, I am here to sat that I don't feel right, at the moment. I just saw a tiktok that tomorrow is Friday the 13th and the last Friday the 13th was in March when Trump announced the COVID lockdown. So, I don't know what will happen tomorrow. What I do know is that I asked for an extension on my research essay and I got it, but I still haven't written the paper and it is due tomorrow, so I don't really know what I'm going to do, but I tried to write it and my brain just won't work on it. I also just realized I have a math assignment to do tonight as well and my mental health is not the best right now. I asked for the extension on my paper because I was going through some stuff with my family. My cousin commented on one of my facebook posts saying that being LGBTQ+ is against Christianity. My parents have talked with her parents as well as my other uncle who is openly homophobic about me and that has been incredibly consuming of my energy and my mental health. It seems like both of my uncles have realized what they've done, to some extent, so hopefully things will be okay. I just think it is ridiculous that I even have to go through this. Why does it even matter. So what if I like girls? What the fuck does that have to do with you? Why does that change how much you love me?? ITS FUCKING RIDICULOUS. I'm just trying to ignore and focus on my school work but that obviously isn't working very well. When I first found out that my uncle Chris was homophobic, I had a nightmare. In the nightmare I was with my family in a house, having a get together as we do, when all of a sudden he started chasing me around with something, I can't remember what it was, but it was pretty terrifying. I was running away from him, all around the house, when he finally got me cornered, I woke up. So, yeah.
Also, my research essay is about gay panic defense, so it is really just scaring me and making me feel like I should start making myself look more straight, which is pretty difficult considering I have short purple and orange hair. AAAAAAAHHHHH I FEEL UGLY RIGHT NOW!!!!!
I just don't really know what to do because I am stressed and I don't know how to handle anything right now. I don't like having big projects. It stresses me out and I end up not doing it at all, which is what is happening right now. I don't know what to do. I am also second guessing myself because I thought i wanted to be an art teacher but now I don't really know. I feel like I'm not good enough oh my goodness I don't know what to do. Maybe I should delete social media for a while. See if that helps. It probably would. I don't know. I feel like i have several different interests, but I don't have enough confidence to actually do any of them so.... heres a list of them
Artist
Art Teacher
Author
Makeup Artist
Fashion Blogger
Tiktok artist
I want to post on tiktok. I want to post booktok videos and makeup videos and fashion videos and videos of my art, my paintings, my drawings, my earrings. I just don't have the confidence or the time or the talent. I'm not really sure how I am supposed to deal with all this emotional crap. I want to do and be all the things I see on tiktok and instagram but I don't even know where to start and I don't know if it would just be a waste of my time because I would end up deleting everything when my confidence plummeted. I just need to figure how to do everything one step at a time but I have never been good at that. I need help, but I don't know how to get it. And even if I did know how, I probably wouldn't get it because I would second guess myself and tell myself I shouldn't do it and it is a waste of time and effort and money and everything is so hard and I don't why I have to deal with this shit.
My uncles are homophobic and I am expected to understand why and help them to understand me or to let go of them and never have them as family again.
I'm in college and I'm expected to do all my homework on time and manage myself and my time with work and hopefully going to my parents house once a week.
I always come up with ideas I think I might want to pursue in the future, but I always second guess myself and doubt myself and think I'm not good enough for anything I want to do.
I hate it here. How the hell am I supposed to do this? I cannot function right now, but that isn't allowed I have to stay on top of everything but I am always one step behind. HOLY FUCK I NEED HELP. But I don't have enough time to get help. So, I don't know what is going to happen to me, but let's hope that something happens I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.
