I always say that I just need a break from the world. What I think in my head when I say this is, I just need a few days, maybe a week, to just sort everything out. Nobody will try to contact me, nobody will bother me, and I will just have free time in my room, to think, and figure everything out. And now that I type that out I realize it could be scary to some people, and that would make everything worse for a lot of people. But to me I think it would be really good for me, healthy almost. I often imagine what I would do if I ever actually got to take a break from the world for a few days, I would probably make a list of everything I want to accomplish, things I want to figure out about my life and my brain or someone else's brain. I wish I could research everything I wanted to figure out about my own life, without having to worry about online articles being fake, or talking to people without being scared that they are blackmailing me and that they nothing about the topic at hand but they are pretending to be an expert. I would figure out as much as I could about different disorders I think I might have, I would want to speak to a professional about these things and how I could help them or stop them from happening. I would try to get my mental, emotional, physical health and hygiene moderately under control enough that I didn't have to be thinking about only that all the time. My main goal would be to get my life and brain on track enough that I could only worry about it at certain times when I have time to myself like right before I go to bed or right after I wake up, and I could help my friends and notice when something is up and have enough courage and knowledge and strength to go up and talk to them about it and know what to say to them when they open up about it, and know enough about the topics of depression and anxiety and self harm and being self conscious and non-confidence and suicidal thoughts and actions that I could help them feel more comfortable with themselves and who knows, for god's sake maybe even feel a little happy with life. This is something that I have wished for, for so long, I've dreamt about just a week to myself to figure my life out and being able to help my friends get there life together and on track, for a couple years now. I think this is one of the reasons I like summer so much, not because I don't have to go to school, but because its a time where I could actually possibly make this dream a reality. But, of course I never actually do it because by the time summer comes around, I'm not thinking about this dream week of getting my life together. This dream/thought always comes to me about once every few months. So I've never thought about it during summer. But, maybe I can change that this year. I mean I only have 7 more days of school left, maybe I can finally isolate myself from the world for a week, and do something productive with my time. Who knows, maybe it'll only take a few days and then a month later come crashing down, or maybe it'll take all summer, and I will actually make my life a better life to live. Or maybe I will completely forget all about everything I just wrote and I won't do anything about it and I will just keep having this dream over and until my life just randomly turns out okay in the end. Or everything just gets worse and before you know it I'm worse than all of my friends and I kill myself because I don't see the point in living any longer. Whatever happens, we're all gonna die eventually so who cares how it happens.
