s o n d e r ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙

d i s p o s i t i o n

d i s p o s i t i o n
/ˌdispəˈziSH(ə)n/
noun
a person's inherent qualities of mind and character.

"is it sad? sure, but it's a sadness i chose."

like a ghost
completely translucent
wandering and stalling
stuck in purgatory
but not understanding that freedom is also here too
but somehow
like a ghost
i watch myself wander mindlessly
i can't imagine where i'll go
and it's like i'm rooting for the other me
the one that i let go of
to be
better
but nevertheless
sometimes i still let her
remind me of the things i used to be
and how i could just
change my world
in a blink

even when exhausted with the world
i come to pass the time
under the light
feeling like the other half of me
just might
wander in the right direction
because i was
and i never will be her again
but sometimes
she's not so translucent
and i can't help but let her in

i don't know where i'm going
but i'm going fast
and I have a fear in my heart that this
love i hold
won't last

the days fly by
and i can't even catch up
not even if i tried
it's probably because
i'm here
just passing time
with a ghost

the other half of me
that died 6:19
i'd love to have that part of me back
but i just don't know how to handle that
she was so much to others
but meant so little to me
sometimes i wish i could've kept that other part of me
that I didn't have to die
and walk in purgatory for the rest of my life

i sympathize with her
but i know she's a ghost to me
completely translucent
something that i could never be
i can't even recognize her
but deep down inside i know it's still me
despite all of the little technicalities

i never wanted to die
but i swear half of me did
and i never got her back
but that only gave me will to live
that maybe someday i can feel whole again
without anyone or anything having to do with it
i'm happy, but it's never enough
i come here to understand why i did what i did
why did i think
ending my life
was a beautiful disposition?

i remember over and over again
and i just wish i could go back and hold me
because no one ever did
in that moment i was alone
and i felt so
empty

and hopeless
i guess now i try to make up for it
by holding a ghost
something completely translucent
maybe that part of me ceased to exist
but when i'm here
where she was
i feel like i can be anything
because i'm supposed to be here
it makes me feel happy
and alive
and i think for me
at the time
that was the last thing i wanted to be

but now i rest my case
i lost myself that day
and i hope that someday it won't feel like february 26

i hope that one day
every day will feel like the first day of summer
and i think i'm getting there
but i never say growth is over

we grow and die over and over
like flowers
and i am sure none of this is making sense
my head is busy and my body is limp
but ill never forget what i did
and i apologize in my own skin
hoping that loving myself can make up for it

i promised myself and that ghost
never again