A Way To You

"Ephemeral"

"You can be mad at someone and still miss them." 

-To all the boys I've ever loved

2 days later

Time was ticking it's way forward, but for Jess, she felt as if she has been paralyzed by it.

She couldn't feel anything after that night, her insides were empty.

She would find herself thinking about him more than before, but her thoughts kept caged inside her mind alone, she could barely encounter him, and even if she would get lucky to have a glance at him it wasn't the same anymore.

He would just pass by her as if she is just another person in the crowd, and even if she turned around and wait for him to do the same, the consequence remain indifferent.

stuck with many questions busting through her mind.
'What would I say?'
'What will he do ?'

Apologizing, apologizing was the only solution, but whenever she would build up her courage to move forward, a sentence breaks her apart.

' If you don't respect my efforts you don't deserve them '

Cafeteria:

Zac was sitting with a book in front of him, however his focus was completely zoning towards a figure sitting at the corner of room, Jess.

He analyzed her as she held chopsticks in her hand but didn't take a single bite for past 20 minutes.

Jess couldn't see him as he was sitting at the very end hiding behind the book.

It almost killed him to be distant from her, but the worst thing was that she didn't even tried communicating with him.

Almost dazed in his own thoughts he didn't notice Dany sitting right in front of him.

"Books should be read like this" Dany flipped the book that Zac was holding upside down.

Zac tore his gaze away, he put his hands on the table ready to get up when Dany urged him to stay.

Both of them remained quiet for a while, finally Dany broke the ice.

"You didn't eat that" he signaled towards the noodles which got cold and soggy by now.

"I don't feel like eating anything" Zac replied in monotonous voice.

"Then why order when you don't feel like it" Dany rambled along causing him to  get frustrated.

"What do you want?" He blurted out.

"I want to talk, have you seen yourself? How much longer are you gonna ignore her" Dany questioned in a concerned way.

Zac heaved a sigh and gave him a challenging look.

"I am fine and better than before" 

Dany placed his arms forward and leaned in.
"Are you sure, because your eyes say something else"

He turned around towards the place where Zac was glancing before and it landed on Jess, 

"Okay I still love her, obviously we can't just stop loving someone instantly, but I need to make sure if she feels the same, because if she does-she would make some efforts" Zac said everything in one breathe.

"And the thought of her not feeling the same is driving me insane" he held his hair and crouched down.

Night

12:00 AM

The fridge lights were on and someone was peeking inside it, suddenly the lights of the kitchen opened and he stopped right at his spot.

"Zac? what are you doing here this late" It was Jess who was in her night gown, and Zac fought with his mind to divert his gaze away from her. 

"Nothing I'll be leaving" He said and started to walk outside when Jess blocked his path. 

"I can make something for you" Zac glanced down catching her fiddling with the fabric,

"Just sit right here I can make some instant noodles" She positioned him towards a chair and started to wrap her hair in a bun. 

"I'm fine you don't need to-" Zac was interrupted.
"Just a few minutes won't be a loss." The voice almost came as an order and he placed himself on chair. 

He eyed every move of her, as she passed by to grab the cups and then again for the stove, it has been a while they had been in the same room. 

There was a moment of silence, only the hissing of fire was audible. 

"I wanted to say something" Jess initiated causing him to motion his face towards her,
however she was hesitant thus she turned around.
Her back was facing him now.

She never knew saying a tiny bit of Sorry would be such a big matter for her. 

"I just wanted to say that I'm- I'm uhhh" she grabbed her hair in frustration receiving a cold chuckle

"Are you trying to apologies" he said while standing up, there was a mock evident in his voice.

She remained silent, he waited few minutes for her to say something but the answer didn't came.

"I think that's the point where I should leave" his voice heaved with despair.
The time of his wait kept on increasing, if this was some kind of test he knew he was already failing it.

He started to walk outside, she called his name, but it didn't work.

"I said stop right there "she shouted, he noticed the crack in her voice and paused for a moment,

He was facing away from her so she couldn't see how he clenched his fist,
she couldn't feel how hard it was for him to put her in this situation.

He didn't walked away nor did he turn around. 

"Why are you doing this to me" her voice become inaudible in the end.

She herself knew that she have no right to question him like this but still in her delusional mind she waited for 'the Zac' who always came back towards her, she took a step closer to him. 

"Please just yell at me, accuse me, do whatever you want but please just talk to me " She said between sobs that she was trying hard to stop.Her hand found its way to the edge of his shirt,

"Please" she muffled.He closed his eyes shut and stared at the ceiling, 

"You should know where you are wrong, you should take responsibility for your actions" he said through his gritted teeth, holding himself from turning around as he continuously heard her crying. 

 He placed his hand above hers and removed them from his shirt before leaving the kitchen.

"Why am I doing this" Jess knelt down towards the sink, she was scared, and this feeling was eating her up inside.
After examining through what she did that night, she knew it was too big to be forgiven, she believed that she didn't worth the forgiveness, she was disgusted by herself, Zac doesn't deserve someone like her, that's what equipped her mind and stopped her from doing what's right. 

But still some part of her was selfish, she wanted him, she knew she can't give him up that easily. He had became a really important part of her life, and now that she turn around, it was a long way along with him, she couldn't move back without him, she might as well take him with her, and even if it meant to change her she was ready for it, she was ready to confront for what was wrong.

To be continued..