Night Sky

47

Namjoon’s POV

The past few days after coming back from New Caledonia was a mixture of pure torture and agony. After relaying to the other members subtly what happened in the island, I became like a human machine. Living every single day in a routine. Always making a mental list of what I need to do every day and not keeping even an hour free to keep my mind occupied and only going to bed when I’m sure I’m already too tired to even think.

Sometimes, I forget that we’re not together anymore. My finger hover over her contact on my phone. I find myself scrolling through the endless sweet messages she never failed to send me when we’re not together physically. Sometimes, a tear or two falls. Sometimes, I grip my phone tightly because of how mad I am of how the situation turned out. But I always end up reminding myself that this too shall pass. That this is not what’s important right now. What’s important right now is for me to be able to focus and get back in tour whole and alive for my members and my fans.

We are now in Taiwan. It’s the last concert of the year after our short break and we’re back to promotions and year end award shows. We have a day to ourselves before the concert tomorrow and I decided to just spend it making music.

I know I worry my members. But to be perfectly honest, they’re starting to really annoy me with how much they won’t leave me alone. This is the only way I know how to cope. To pour my feelings into my music. This was always my escape, my sanctuary. And even though I appreciate their efforts, I still prefer to just keep it to myself.

I am inside my hotel room, laying some beats to a new song I’m trying to finish when I got interrupted by the loud banging on my door and Hobi calling my phone.

“Open the door.” Hobi demanded after I answered the call. I groaned audibly, stood up and made my way to the door to open it.

“Put some pants on and eat with us.” He added when I turned around to go back to what I was doing.

“I’m just going to order room service in a while, man. I need to finish this. I’m thinking of sending it to Slow Rabbit once it’s done and see if I can add it to the next album.” I answered. He brushed past me and stood in front of my little set up with arms crossed.

“We both know you’re not going to end up doing that.” He said with a determined voice. I sighed and massaged my temples.

“Hobi-ah. I’m fine. How many times should I tell you that?” I whined. Trying to sound as convincing as possible.

“And you also know that you’re not fooling us. You’re smart. You know that.” I rolled my eyes at him, sat on my bed and ruffled my hair in frustration.

“We’re not asking you to tell us everything or confide to us. That’s your call. But you’re being too normal about it, Joon. When you’re not making your music, yes, you hang out with us. You’re being your usual self and that’s what worries me.” He said in a worried voice while sitting on the chair that is in front of me.

“What do you want me to do then? Wallow in my self-pity?” I answered full of irritation.

“No, at least be human. I’m sorry to say this, but you went through a break up. Aren’t you supposed to be, I don’t know, sad?” Now that he mentioned it, the feeling of loneliness is back. Of course, I feel sad. I was hopelessly in love with a girl I was sure felt the same way. But only to be slapped in the face that she didn’t want to be with me.

Every time I’m with my members, I try to be jolly. I hate it when they look at me with sympathetic eyes. Like they know what I’m feeling. When in reality, they don’t. They don’t know how badly I feel right now. How I feel a mixture of betrayal and anguish. Not to Yumi, but myself. It might’ve been easier if I was mad at her. If I just genuinely think that she cheated on me. But the Namjoon inside my head is screaming that everything was my fault. That I was not understanding enough. I was not caring enough. I was not sweet enough. That I lack a lot of things that can be a reason for her to stay. Her leaving me woke up the insecure Namjoon that has long been tucked into my subconscious because of the confidence my fans gave me. And it’s fucking with my head so much that I try to push it back to its little prison inside my head by being as normal as I can. But I know Hobi’s right. We did not live together for almost 10 years for nothing.