Sexual | j.jk x reader ✓

❦;party

Jungkook had told me we were going to a party together and we should look our best. He asked if we could match and I deliberately told him no, I had to deal with going to a party with him I'm not going to match with him after what he did.
I hated the fact I was even letting him do this, letting myself do this. But at the end of the day what did I really have?

I had no friends that I kept in contact with like that anymore, my father was super busy, mom is gone and now I'm stuck with Jungkook...my husband. My good for fucking nothing husband, though he was good for fucking something, someone at least. Jungkook called his friend and asked him where to meet and extra party details I didn't care to overhear. I was lost in so many trains of thought I felt like I was drowning.

The line for love and hate is a thin one and complicated line to differentiate to boot. I love him, loved him, no I can't say that, looking at him makes me warm still, maybe the daydreaming of what man I want him to be...thought he was, was fighting for a place in my head to stop the pain from being worse than I wanted to admit it was. For 8 years I've wasted my life on someone that could have been cheating on me the whole time!

No wonder I didn't have any friends, they were all either wanting to fuck him themselves, thinking I was too dumb to know, didn't want to tell me or knew he was and didn't care, either way I hated not liking myself. I've never had this issue before, besides the trust issues and the overwhelming ptsd I've never had issues with self image, I know my worth.

But now that I'm putting myself through this actual torture of trying to make things better when my gut tells me it's not going to get better makes me think I don't know my worth, and it's not worth much anyway.