Ambivalent • DazaixReaderxChūya

12. In the Dark

The morning you got back from Dazai's (terribly hungover, but the only person that noticed was Akutagawa), you were summoned to a meeting where they officially took you off of Chūya's command and put under the special assassin's groups, Black Lizard.

The first day, you were nervous. You could hear Dazai and Atsushi's hopeful voices that you'd go to them and let them help and protect you. You were hesitant in letting your inner killer instincts take over, and you were most worried you'd become nothing but a shadow. The judgemental glares from Gin and Tachihara did not help, but you watched them move and you respected their talents. You wanted to be better.

I need to be stronger.

The first week, you had gotten a flow to all your movements that wasn't there before. Dazai's pleads to find a more beautiful life no longer looped around in your head. Instead, what played were Akutagawa's insults that drove you to improve in any way you could. You hardly saw him anymore, but when you did, you made sure to look confident. You almost were able to forget about your lust for the genuine love of another, which was the only thing keeping you from tapping into your full potential. You feared that you'd have everything, but you'd lose a future.

That fear went away when you killed the leader of the gang that had been annoying the mafia, and for the first time, the mafiosos didn't look at you like just a stray dog.

When you weren't with the Black Lizard, but in your room instead, you were ignored by Chūya, like nothing had ever happened. This infuriated you, but you never got a chance to confront him.

I can't be distracted.

The first month, your desperation for strength in control and power, even for praise, was satisfied every time you were sent out to kill. It was a high, and it was better than you expected. Your ability 'Annabel Lee' became stronger as well, and soon you learned to influence the one affected's actions while under the suffering. Sure, it caused your body to grow colder twice as fast, but you trained yourself so much to grow an immunity until a certain point. You pushed back all longings for pure affection, burying them deep under the ecstasy every victim gave you. You almost never thought of the light Dazai had talked about, you were quick to dismiss Akutagawa's insults, and Chūya, sensing a change in you, now only spoke to you to tease you. Often, you'd find something witty to say back.

I need to find my place.

After 6 months, your body had gotten stuck in an almost constant cool state, like your blood now ran cold, and the lack of warmth affected you deeply. Your second risk taken was flirting with death knowing it was a dangerous gamble, but it helped sustain your ability longer. It wasn't pleasant experience. It was like every death you cause by your ability, your suffering only increased, like your heart was frozen by loss. You no longer cared however, because what you got in return was far more valuable to you. To help deal with this new development, your wore a long-sleeved grey v-neck, the necklace from Chūya from a while ago still hung pretty around your neck, your usual skirt turned into warm, tight but comfortable black pants. A thicker black winter trench coat was almost always on you, and thin grey gloves clung to you hands.

I am an assassin for the Port Mafia, and that it is what I chose, what keeps me going. Death is a friend I keep close.

Almost everyone in the Black Lizard learned to respect you for your efforts. To your delight, even Gin wasn't so cold all the time. Your witty banter with Chūya turned into more of a dance between the two of you.

I am strong. I have control.

Even after everything, you still felt empty, and that is what was killing you the most.