Ambivalent • DazaixReaderxChūya

24. To Suffer Next to You // Safe

To Suffer Next to You (Chūya Ending Part 2)

Getting to the Port Mafia was a blur, and still you didn't fully understand how you'd made it there alive. When Akutagawa brought you in at death's door, everyone looked alarmed at the state of your body, curious as to how you'd gotten like that in the first place. When it was questioned, Akutagawa stayed silent, and the ones on the receiving end took it as the sure sign they should stop asking if they knew what was good for them. You never spoke, never looked at who tried to help or get in the way. You hardly raised you head from the ground, a deep sorrow in you as your whole body ached and itched with blood.

I made the decision to not return...a decision I wouldn't regret...I accepted Dazai...the agency's resentment...I thought I'd get to prove them wrong, be worthy of their help and kindness. I thought I was closer to living in the light...living a beautiful life without fearing my nagging ambitions that only lead to pain...

I was wrong. Now I'm alone again.

You should have let him kill me, Dazai.

Brought to the infirmary, you were cleaned of the excess blood on you. With a high dosage of morphine, you were also given stitches, and bandages wrapped all around your body where Akutagawa had damaged you most. Your reality went fuzzy after the drugs entered your system, but you understood enough that you knew you wouldn't be let out of the Port Mafia building for while. Whether it really was because of your health or because Akutagawa made it a point you weren't to be trusted, you didn't know.

Either way, I no longer have any purpose.

As your consciousness slips, you hear footsteps enter your room. Expecting it to be the doctor or someone else meant to check on you, you don't move or look towards the door. Instead, you close your eyes and wait for them.

"[l/n]..."

Wait-

Your heart skips a beat when even in an off state of mind, you recognize the person speaking. You avert your eyes, an overwhelming mix of feelings spreading through your disoriented and numbed body. Dread to face him was among the strongest, and you don't dare say his name back. When you don't respond, you hear the footsteps get closer, a chair being dragged, and then weight on the chair now next to your bed.

There's silence, and then you feel a hand hovering on top of yours. Hesitance, then reluctance as the hand landed on yours and took it softly. Still, you don't turn around to look at him directly, but you can clearly make the silhouette beside you of the auburn-haired Port Mafia executive, Chūya Nakahara.

"You are such an ass, you know that?" Chūya says, and the word choice catches you by so much surprise that finally, you turn to look at him.

"What..?" You begin, but are taken aback by the sight in front of you.

You see Chūya like you were seeing him for the first time. The colour of his eyes under the fluorescent infirmary lights shocked you, like a calm ocean you put in turmoil. It was unnatural, the insecurity reflected in this man's usually arrogant face. His hair softly fell around his face with elegance, framing every edge in a way that asserted confidence despite his shy demeanour holding your hand. His usual overcoat hung from his shoulders, his choice of attire familiar including his black fedora. The hat cast a shadow on Chūya's face, and it gave you the sense there were other emotions on his face he didn't want you to see.

Seeing Chūya again stirred a regret in you that you told yourself you wouldn't feel. You feel a million words choked up in your throat, and suddenly the presence of his hand on yours creates a sadness deep in your heart. His eyes follow as you struggle to move away from him, the heat from his hand becoming an overwhelming presence. Instead of letting go, however, Chūya holds you tighter in an attempt to keep you there with him while he talked.