Ambivalent • DazaixReaderxChūya

18. Sickness

You didn't let the kisses get too far. You were scared, scared of feeling more with Chūya. Scared that letting yourself go past a point would mean you couldn't go back and change. You didn't want to make a mistake.

Overwhelmed and not completely healed from your stunt with your ability, you asked Chūya if he would be fine with you staying with him for the night. Ever since the torture, there was something off inside you, so you wanted to make sure you weren't alone. Chūya agreed, although hesitant at first. You could tell he wasn't used to being so close to someone, and it gave you reassurance to know that he seemed just as confused as you were as to what you were supposed to do about all these...feelings.

Except he didn't know yours were mixed with some for somebody else. And he never would know. Even when he indirectly asked you while falling asleep next to him, when you reached out and put your hand next to his so your fingers just brushed, his eyes always on you, on every movement you made. All you did was look at him as you drifted off, and you weren't sure if it was the sleep clouding your vision or the lighting, but you swore Chūya's gentle gaze flashed fear just as you fell.

Your dreams were filled with a haunting breeze, making you shiver with goosebumps at the memory of losing your control, of giving in to the power inside you that would kill you when abused. You had been so close.

So close.

More than a few times you had woken up abruptly, breathing heavily, Chūya's hand on yours keeping you steady, grounding you. You tried to fall asleep so many times after, but you couldn't it. You feared letting yourself go, letting what you had let loose inside you take over. You were scared of never waking up again. The want you had to die peacefully next to someone that mattered had manifested into a dread of dying with the guilt of knowing the one holding you expected you to live, letting them down. Letting yourself down.

One of the times you had woken up, body shivering violently, Chūya woke up too, and although you were too in-your-head to hear him, you know he spoke to you whispering words expressing concern, only to have you stare at him quizzically back. He slowly motioned to press a hand to your forehead, and when you saw his eyes widen you knew it couldn't be good. You thought it odd, since you hadn't felt physically sick previously, besides your black out, but you also weren't surprised with all the stress you put yourself through due to indecisiveness and your lack of self care.

What happened after that, you had no memory of when you woke up. The only thing clear in your mind was the image of Chūya looking at you like a puzzle, his hair much more free in movement without his usual hat on, falling and framing his face without flaw. The dark of the room made his blue-grey eyes seem darker, like they held emotions deeper than he ever allowed to show, thoughts only the darkness could bring out.

-❦-

When morning rolled around, the fever Chūya had noticed was worse. Your body ached, your temperature had spiked, and you couldn't decide if you were hot or cold. You shifted between awake and asleep, but not well enough that you could escape the drowsiness that always followed. You didn't notice when Chūya had gotten up in a panic at your state, you couldn't concentrate on what he had said in that moment, but all you know is that the next time you were conscious enough to understand your surroundings, Akutagawa was there in front of you as well as Chūya.

"Has she been here all night?"

"Yeah why?" Chūya's tone was defensive, almost aggressive.

"You didn't think to bring her to the doctor in the Port Mafia building?"

"Shut up Akutagawa I didn't bring you here so you could tell me what I should have done."