Nanny Diaries

Chapter 30 - Monster

I feel the sand squish between my toes as we walk hand in hand down the beach. I gaze out at the water cresting down on the shore, breaking and washing a few items away. A woman runs after it as her umbrella gets swept away with the tide. 

“This is nice.” I say. 

“It is.”

It’s only a slight exaggeration. Since I’m now in my third trimester, I can’t seem to enjoy anything at all. The beach is cold, because Zack had the idea to get up before the crack of dawn to beat the crowds. Lucky for us, there was only one other person on the entire beach, and now she was in the water, chasing her pop-up into the waves. I shiver, my teeth clacking together as I curse erosion for creating sand in the first place. 

I really hate sand. It gets everywhere, it’s rough, painful, and annoying...my anger is high too, for no apparent reason. 

It’s been a week since we attended Matt’s service, and I’ve been trying to learn to let go. I never did that with my mother, and it scarred me for life. 

“So, have you thought of any names yet for the baby?”

I stop in my tracks, and I look down at my sand covered feet. So much damp sand has clung to my feet that it’s beginning to look like a new fashion: sand socks. I inspect them with newfound interest, trying to find every reason to avoid answering his question. 

“I don’t think I’m going to have a say in the matter.” I say, looking at the rising sun creating a reflection on the water. I squint into the distance, suddenly very uncomfortable. 

“Why not? You’re giving their child life and you don’t even get a say in the matter of what he or she-”

“She.” I correct.

“She - will be called for the rest of her life. You went through all of this for them and they won’t even give you that?”

“I don’t know!”

“Why not?”

“We’ve never talked about it before, and honestly, it’s not the most important thing to me right now.” I snap, crossing my arms over my belly. 

“Why are you yelling at me?” he whispers, looking me dead in the eyes. He should know by now what his eyes do to me, I’m rendered completely powerless when under their gaze. 

“Because-” I trail off, trying to consider why I’m yelling at him.

I didn’t know.

“I’m sorry.” I whisper back, guilt plaguing my tone.  

He wraps an arm around my shoulders, pressing me close to him. I sigh as his body heat melds into my own and I become much warmer. I bury my face into his neck and feel him shiver slightly, probably because it tickled. I laugh and he turns his head to gingerly kiss me.