Moments // Billie Eilish

Chapter 21

"It's ok Bil, I'll tell you its just... I've never talked to anyone about iy and refused to in the past because of how frustrated and emotional I get" I started and took a deep breath.

Billie leaned in and wiped the few tears on my cheek that had fallen by just thinking about the painful memory. I smiled softly placing my hand on hers and putting them on my lap.

I took in a deep breath and began my story, "when I was younger around 10 or so I begged my parents to let me join the rugby team, but because there wasn't a girls one yet I had to play with the boys. At first it was annoying because they would never pass to me but after I scored a few tries they included me in the team" I smiled softly.

"Fast forward to when I was 13 a girls team started, and I was ecstatic. Most of the girls on my team had never played before but we ended up winning the comp that year. I ended up making the representative team and then the state because of my skill level. That year I had made myself known as a name for the future" I looked down and began to fiddle with Billie's rings.

"The next year I was 14 and was playing a gala day type of competition. At least three games a day if not more over three days. We made the finals and it was a very close game. I made a break in play and sprinted down the field but didn't see the girl chasing me down on the right. She tackled me from the side around my knees, it made the most horrific noise I've ever heard. Somewhere between and pop and crack and I passed out from the shock and pain." By now tears were slowly streaming down my face and I sniffled a little.

"I woke up on the ambulance and they took me to hospital. After scans and testing I was told that my patella was shattered from impacts and the surrounding ligaments and cartilage was torn. The news shut me down, it sounds dramatic but at that moment I felt so lost, I knew that I could never play contact sport again and although I was young my future had been promising" I told her and let out a defeated sigh.

Billie pulled me into her chest, and I cried into her chest softly before continuing "rehab was a solid 10 months before I was walking without a brace, and another 3 on crutches so I could properly walk. During the first few months of my injury I spiralled into a deep dark place. I can't say I've felt depression but that was pretty fucking close. But my anxiety got really bad. I had little bouts of separation anxiety when I was younger but never to this extent. I was making myself sick with thoughts of never running again and my rehab not working"

"I didn't go to school for almost a month because everything was a reminder that set off a panic attack. Flyers about the next home game, people talking about the game they played on the weekend, things so small but crushed me because I knew I would never be able to do that again. Honestly if it wasn't for Penelope and Lucy I don't know where I would be because they made me realise that if I worked hard enough in rehab I may not be able to play contact sport again, but I could still play basketball with them" I gave Billie a small smile.

She kissed my lips and pulled me closer, deepening the kiss momentarily. The tears on my cheek had been forgotten about and I laughed at how solemn this night had become.

"Eww I'm so sorry about that, every time I talk about it I cry because it hits a spot of heartbreak I guess" I laughed, wiping away the last of my tears.

"Don't you dare be fucking sorry Harrington. You have every right to have a cry about an injury because they are heartbreaking. The disgusting place I was in, in my early teens involved my injury and talking about it makes me cry. I fucking hated my hip and the pain I was constantly in, but I didn't listen to my body or anyone else. Getting injured and not dancing again is one of the most heartbreaking things I have ever encountered and like you I fell into an insanely dark place but performing and creating other forms of art took me out of my misery" she told me, honesty in her blue eyes.