Moments // Billie Eilish

Chapter 38

Tours been... well nothing like I imagined it would be. Instead of spending every second with Billie when she's not busy like we talked about for hours at night when we were thousands of miles away from each other it's been quite the opposite. And I'm really fucking sad about it, and what hurts the most is that I think Billie is distancing herself away from me purposely.

As much as I hate to admit it our time not spent together is a conscious effort by her, most of the time when not performing or doing press Billie is on her phone laughing at whatever message someone sent her instead of laughing with me. But I'm too scared to even think if she's talking to someone else or remotely cheating, that would cause me to spiral and probably never come out.

But ever since the first week of tour things have been weird. I've spent most of my time with Claudia and then third wheeling with her and Finneas when he's not busy and Billie has spent it either out with friends from each city or staying in the hotel room, bus or greenroom. Honestly, we talked more when we were oceans apart instead of a few feet apart which is fucking fucked and I hate it.

All I want to do is cry and listen to sad music but half of my 'cry rides' playlist is comprised of her songs and I know that'd break my heart even more. I tried asking to hang out or asking if I've done anything wrong to upset Billie but I'm always told the same 'I'm fine' or 'I'm just Harrington' and even a few 'not every moment of my free time needs to spent with you Harrington' which the first time Billie said this I cried in the shower for a solid twenty minutes.

I don't know what it is about crying but I fucking hate how it makes me feel, I've always felt it's more physically draining than emotionally draining. Crying just takes so much energy that there's then nothing left for any positivity. It's like when you put all your effort into an assignment and think you've done it right and end up getting a C. So incredibly underwhelming and gross.

But now I'm sitting outside tonight's venue staring at Billie's phone and the messages on it, alone. Refusing to jump to conclusions at the heart wrenching texts between her and some guy.

"Harri? What are you doing out here? Lunch just got brought in" I heard Claudia ask from behind me. Quickly wiping the tears from under my eye I blinked a few times hoping it didn't look like I was crying.

"Just needed some fresh air" I told her with a scratchy voice from holding in my sobs, not daring to turn around in case I'd breakdown.

"Are you okay?" and that was enough to let the dam of tears flow. I sobbed. And I couldn't tell you how long either, it got to the point where no tears were coming out and I was hiccupping into Claudia's chest as she held me tight.

"Claudia?" I faintly heard Finneas as he called out to her.

"Just a moment" she called back and rubbed my back in soothing circles "Harrington, I'm going to get Fin and we can carry you to the bus if you want to sleep?"

Nodding, Claudia called Finneas over and he pulled me into a bear hug "I don't know what's going on with my sister but you don't deserve this" he said before carrying me to the bus and laying me on the couch where I curled up and passed out from exhaustion.

"Finneas just let me see her! I'm on in like two hours and I need to know she's ok before going on stage!" was what woke me up from my nap. Glancing at the clock on the bus I'd realised I slept for a good four hours and Billie was meant to be on at eight which was indeed two hours away.

"Billie no!" he yelled back at her "I don't know what you did specifically, but I do know that you've been avoiding Harri and she doesn't deserve this at all! All your time is spent with you social media friends and when you're not with them you're on your phone not even talking to her or us! As your brother I'm annoyed at you for this so I can't even imagine what it's like for your girlfriend!"