Moments // Billie Eilish

Chapter 40

"Why is she here?"

"I don't know, ask"

"You ask"

"No you"

"I don't want to ask. What if it's a touchy subject?"

"Well obviously if she showed up at my door, a week earlier than expected Lucy"

"Guys! I'm right here!" I yelled at Pen and Lucy who were arguing about me, in front of me.

"Sorry Haz, but it's kind of a shock that you rock up at my door a week before you were due to fly home"

"Sorry if I interrupted your plans then" I muttered and sighed as I sat on Penelope's bed.

After getting home I went straight to bed and then left for Pen's house before my parents could wake up. I don't want to deal with their burning questions as to why I'm home early either. But then I never thought about Pen and Lucy's questions until now.

"Guys I really don't want to talk about it right now"

"Oh shit" Pen whispered and joined me on the bed.

"This is not good" Lucy sat next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder "you don't need to tell us what happened, at least not yet anyway. But are you ok?" three simple words shouldn't have such a deep cutting meaning. But they do and that made me break down for what feels like the tenth time these past forty-eight hours.

After crying into Lucy's shoulder and being squashed in a Pen-Lucy sandwich I calmed down and filled them in on the whole situation with Billie. Billie hasn't tried calling or texting since I left and I'm glad she has respected my wish for some space, but I just want an indication if she's ok or not. I'll just have to call Finneas later.

"That's some fucked up shit my girl" Lucy shook her head sadly "I really loved you to together"

"Yeah me too" I said "fuck! Break ups suck!"

"Has she tried calling you since you came back?" Pen asked.

"No" I shook my head "I told her I didn't want to talk to her for a while and she's respecting that which is a step in the right direction, I think. Ugh I don't know, it's been a day since I left and I already miss her"

That's the thing about Billie though, she's so intoxicating. I can't go a whole hour without missing her, let alone a day. It's quite sad really.

"I'm going to head home now though, I'll catch up with you two soon though" I hugged Pen and Lucy goodbye.

On my drive home I decided to stop at the beach and drive to the lookout near our spot. Getting out of the car I walked to the edge of the cliff and sat on the grass.

My phone chimed with a text from Fin; "too busy for a call rn?"

Instead of replying I called him.

"Harri, hey. How are you?" his smooth voice asked.

"I'm doing ok" I told him softly, not trusting my voice "how are you and Claudia... and everyone else?"

"We are good, they're good"

"And Billie?"

"She's uh, well she's being Billie" he chuckled but I could hear the seriousness and concern in his voice "look, I don't know what exactly happened between you two because she's refusing to tell me or even talk to me or anyone else. So do you mind if I ask you?"

"Uh—"

"You don't have to though, absolutely your choice" he added, but I chose to tell Fin. He deserves to know and maybe he can talk some sense into Billie.

I told him about my suspicions and then our fight on the bus. And about Billie's breakdown in the bathroom and me telling her I was leaving the next day.

"Wow, I love my sister but she's a fucking idiot. For real Harri you don't deserve any of this. Billie doesn't deserve you right now" Fin told me. It's weird hearing my thoughts come from another person, but it's also really reassuring.

"She told me she loves me though Fin"

"She told me she loves you too, I think that's why she cheated. Self-destruction before she could accept her true feelings for you" Billie told Finneas she loves me? I thought she said in as a spur of the moment thing, like you don't know what you til it's gone moment.

"When?"

"Ages ago"

"Oh" I said to shocked at his words. Billie has known she loves me for as long as I've realised I love her.

"Well I still love her, despite everything Fin"

"I know Harri, but I think you're dealing with this much better than Billie. During last nights show she cried while singing 'i love you', 'ilo milo', 'listen before i go' and 'when the party's over'. Then spent her usual half hour alone in the greenroom and went I to go check up on her she told me to leave, then yelled at me to leave and then threw her phone at my head but I ducked and it smashed onto the wall"

So that's why she hasn't tried contacting me, her phones smashed.

"Put her on the phone" I told him before thinking. Fucking hell Harrington what have you done.

"Are you sure?" he asked.

Am I? Do I want to talk to Billie? "yeah, it's fine, I'll calm her down. Has she slept?"

"No she's having nightmares and terrors again. Hold on I'll go find her, won't be too long. Thank you for this Harri, like I said she doesn't deserve you"

I nodded even though he couldn't see me and waited for Finneas to give Billie the phone. Picking at the cool grass under me I ran a hand through my hair as my nerves bundled.

"Ha-Harrington?" Billie's raspy voice asked but I didn't answer "Harrington are you there?"

"Y-yeah Bil, I'm here" I let out and squeezed my eyes from letting any tears escaping.

"I'm sorry, please know I'm so sorry—"

"Billie you've already apologised and I'm forgiving you, I am. But I'm not the only you need to apologise to"

"What do you mean?"

"Fin told me you threw your phone at his head"

"I've thrown worse things"

"Billie"

"I know! I know, I need to say sorry to him and everyone else on my team but everyone is pissing me off" she stressed, and I heard her chains cluttering meaning that she was running her hand through her hair.

"Have you been sleeping?"

"Have you?" she asked back.

"Billie stop"

"No... I haven't" she said quietly, almost embarrassed "I can't sleep without you anymore and my night terrors are back"

"I'm sorry to hear that, but please try and sleep—"

"It's not that easy!"

"- I know that Billie, but please try. At least for me?" I know it's a lot easier said than done to sleep, especially for Billie but I know that when she starts getting some good sleep she'll slowly stop stressing and start feeling better.

"Will I ever see you again?"

"I- I don't know, but I hope so"

"I hope so too"

"I've got to go now but I'll talk to you soon"

"Ok, thank you for checking up on me"

"I care about you Bil, don't forget that. No matter what place we are in"

"I won't"

"Bye Billie"

"Bye Harrington. I love you"

"I love you too"

Maybe there is still hope?