Crumbling Paradise

/06/

Jahseh

Heartbreak!

There's nothing beautiful about a heartbreak. It isnt fucking poetry,its not staying up till 4 am listening to sad songs either. Its breaking down in the middle of a busy street,its seeing their face in all the people you passby. Its convincing yourself your okay for sometime,then all of a sudden you feel the ghost of their lips on your neck,the warmth of their body on yours and then your chocking on memories of their presence. Its waking up from dreams of them coming back and screaming in the middle of the night because your chest aches like a rotting tooth.

I folded my legs bringing them to my chest as my body continued to rake with sobs. Two days! Its only two days since i got discharged and in those two days my life has sank even lower. Firstly i received an email telling me i'd lost my job. They couldnt keep me any longer quote on quote "you're not the perfect example to our students who look up to you" ! I cried when i got that email because other than Stokeley,my job was everything. I've always wanted to be a teacher. The chemistry i had with my students was even envied by other teachers and it was no secret i was good at my job. My passion landed me best teacher of the year four years in a roll since i started teaching. The lesson planning,field trips,the lessons and even grading all gave me a type of joy and contentment. Now all that was gone. I lost my students too!

After that,i received a restraining order. I couldnt be even in a thirty mile radius within Stokeley. It was honestly ridiculous because i wasnt gonna follow it. Like that piece of paper would stop me. I did try sneaking into his hospital room yesterday but i couldnt because one there were body guards outside his room and two my mother had that Kentrell nigga follow me. He had to drag me out and i couldnt do anything to escape his iron grip. Turns out the police found out and i got off with a warning. My mother was furious she almost whooped me. Almost. She couldnt though because i'm PrEgNaNt. That very thought had me wanting to jump out the balocony of this hotel we were staying at. Again Kentrell trash can built ass nosy big headed self grabbed and stopped me from jumping. After alot of screaming at both of them,i went back to my room in the suite slamming the door hard.

Even after that stressful day,nothing broke me as hard as the news that Trevor was dead. That sneaky bitch got the easy way out. He died leaving me in ruins that he created. He missle whipped my entire life only to escape easily. I wanted to die and follow him to hell then kill him again. Now i had nothing to fight for. I couldnt get the answers i so badly wanted in order to set my life in order again. I had lost. Everthing was gone. My whole universe had been ripped out of my hands.

Nothing to hope for.

There was nothing to live for!

Death seemed so appealing right now but whenever i thought about it Stokeley's worried and guilty expression would flash in my mind in an instant pushing the thought away. I was seventeen the day i last tried to commit suicide. Fortunately or unfortunately,Stokeley had caught up with me and the guilt he had in his eyes still haunts me. He was remorseful at the time that he had failed me as my bestfriend. We'd known each other six months in juve but that very day , after promising each other to always be there for one another, we became even more closer and inseparable. Looking back,i wonder how Stokeley could easily disregard everything we went through together and believe i could betray him like that!

So suicide wasnt an option. My great sense of loyalty to Stokeley wouldnt let me. That there,as i sat in the dark cold room hugging myself and sobbing my eyes out, fueled my anger. I was angry at Stokeley because of this. I was angry at myself for basing the foundation of my very existence on him. I hated him for making me dependant on him and i hated myself for allowing it to happen. I was nothing but an empty shell without him yet because of him i couldnt end it the only way i know how. The more i thought about it and the more my chest ached,its the more the hate continued to take root in the deepest part of me. With every nasty word he threw my way that day,every hit he laid against my body,all of it had my stomach twisting and my head aching.