Seventeen

1 - Reality

They say that reality is often disappointing.

Which is true.

The only reason why I am, or rather I was, in this world to keep going, it was because I knew you wouldn't be able to deal with it if I left.

That night, I told you that I was afraid to end up being alone. At age four, I often wondered about the fact that i would be the last to die in my family for being the youngest child, I'd be alone for the rest of my life because I don't want to get married, be committed to one person, it's not my thing. But I didn't want to be alone. And I established this fact, when I met you.

You understood my struggle of having to speak up to the cashier to buy myself a slushie, and I would never speak up, because you'd do that for me instead. You'd be the one to look after me when I cross the street, and would sneak up to my room at midnight to see if I'm okay, if I'm still okay, if I'm still breathing, and I would be.

I was breathing, I was okay, because I knew you were going to be there for me all along.

I felt the comfort, the feeling of contentment at the first ever party that I attended without the fear of the unknown. I was okay that night, very much okay, because I knew I had you. I looked over from where the punch was and saw you in the middle of the room, waiting for me, so I went to you.

And I remember you, and your smile, and how cliché it was when it felt like everyone else in the room didn't even seem like they existed at the time, and the way your arms slowly wrapped themselves around me. It was warm, it was comforting, and from there I realized that home isn't a place, home isn't just your typical four walls and a roof to keep you at night, because that's just a house.

Home is, and will always be, the one person you'll always feel safest with.

I had you, and you had me. Everything was perfect until it wasn't.

And you know what sucks the most? I don't even know what happened to us, or why, or simply... What you felt for me.

I don't even know if I misread the situation, or if you hesitated to fall in love with me and the mess that I just love to be in.

And all of a sudden, you were out of my life.

Everytime I feel good about something, or someone, I really would hope that it would last forever, but at the same time, I also know that it wouldn't. But just know, that when you came, I really wished that I was wrong about you leaving.

That whenever I'm in the middle of a crisis, or even if I'm feeling somewhat okay by myself, I think of you and that stupid party, and somewhere, somehow, I feel so much better about being alive, because I had you.

And no matter how much it hurts to not know if you felt something for me, no matter how much I'd like to know what should've been, no matter how much I'd rather turn back time and wish I didn't have you.

I know for a fact that I was happy with you, and that was a good thing.

And even if I'm stuck with the thought of what we could've been, I just hope you experience the same amount of admiration to someone that you truly deserve, even if it's not me.

-"Reality", July 27