Seventeen

12 - Flight

The only thing funnier than seeing your old bullies slowly fall, is seeing yourself be scared of falling again while your old bullies are watching you.

Yes, I dropped out of high school. For real this time.

The thing is, I've always been your typical straight A's Asian Kid, trying to please my Asian mom and Hispanic dad (I know, not a good combo) while having an overachiever brother who is literally a math genius. He has topped his class multiple times, and while I haven't done exactly the same, he unexpectedly just fell.

Out of nowhere, while my life was starting to thrive, he fell on his first year of college at a prestigious university, and we didn't know how, or why. He just gave up.

On his birthday, he was sulking by his laptop trying to read through his report card that was emailed to him by the school. His GPA was so bad that he had to take a breather from his bedside table. Though his asthma attacks weren't as bad as it was before, that day felt like hell for him.

Though I have been my brother's hater, numero uno, seeing him cry was something so rare to me. He had always kept his guard up, he stayed quiet during meals, and the only time I've ever seen him cry was when I was eight and he was ten; He cried after getting his balls kicked by me, well, yeah... It hurt him a lot.

By that time, I wasn't involved in any glitter or poison, or anything that destroyed my system. Though I was already in therapy, and things were getting better, I somehow felt like I was being selfish. I had everything good in my life while my brother was literally struggling to keep himself up... It hurt me, quite a lot.

About a week after his depressing nineteenth birthday, we had to go to an unexpected funeral. It was our grandfather's.

Okay, I don't hate my grandfather. I just didn't really know him. He was guy with mixed signals, never really told us that he loved us, all he really thought of was the people around him only wanted to be with him because of his money. So we distanced ourselves from him.

His death was painful. The night before it happened, I was at a show with my two best friends and had the craziest time of my life. I couldn't even sleep when I got home. The lights, the sounds that I heard, it felt like an all time high. I just didn't know that the following day, it was gonna be an all time low for us. I cried, not only because I knew that I could have done more to be with him, but because of the thought of my father sitting inside a bus, in the middle of nowhere, crying because he was too late. He never saw his eyes again, or his smile, heard his voice, call his name even if he never said those three words, it hurt him a lot.

I slowly felt myself fall. And while I was struggling to make my fall less painful than the emotional state I was currently in, I knew that our family was falling apart.

The conversations of hushed voices became louder, the tension was bigger, money was on the table, and lawyers were hired. The event that was once called a family reunion became a debate over which property was gonna be taken by who. Every conversation rang inside my ears, shaking my brain, sending shivers down my spine whenever I'm trying to fall asleep, I was like a lost puppy in a crowd of wild beasts. And so, I fell really fucking hard.

My awarding ceremony by the end of sophomore year was something like falling out of the sky after being kicked out by God from heaven. I received certificates and medals, knowing all too well that I didn't deserve it after creating a half-assed masterpiece of a research paper that was two weeks late. It was like something out of a Harry Potter book when Dumbledore awards the Gryffindors who literally broke about half of the school rules for the entire year. It was absolutely bullshit of me to even smile on stage while holding my so-called accomplishments. It was a fall, I knew that it was, because I still think about how bullshit I am for being there that day.

Though today doesn't feel like a fall, it feels like I've just opened my eyes to see more than falling. The possibilities are endless. I've come to realize that sitting in a classroom from nine to five isn't gonna make me happy once I receive a half-assed diploma by the end of college. I'm not gonna find a job and live happily ever after once I get that stupid piece of paper. I can stop falling, and start flying.

Today is not a fall, it's a preparation for a brand new flight to somewhere else, somewhere more exciting, somewhere more happy than miserable.

This is your Captain speaking, buckle your seat belts, this is gonna be a long flight.

–"Flight", October 29