Seventeen

21 - Different

I usually know what to say when my heart feels like it's been different lately.

I knew what it meant when I had my first crush at the age of three; as awkward as it sounds, whenever I would look back to it with my first crush, we'd laugh it off, but the memory of it is still stuck to my head. I remember being so scared to upset him, and it's the funniest thing to him. I would go out of his way, I'd let him make fun of my hair, just for him to be comfortable with the fact that I was existing right in front of him. We never became an item, sure, but I'm glad it stayed that way. I'm happy to know that we've been friends for so long, and I hope it remains that way until my heart stops.

I remember the time I knew, I just knew, that I didn't just swing one way when I was in kindergarten, and I was so transfixed by a face of a girl that I never thought would be my first girlfriend in middle school. Well, she was sort-of my girlfriend. It lasted a week, a hell of a tough week, because I knew I had to come out to my parents even if we decided to just break up. Now that our lives are far from middle school, where reality is still uncomfortable with the thought of two girls having a romantic relationship with each other, we'd pass by each other's houses without even being able to think of each other. And it's not about missing the said romance that we had, I guess I just miss her, as my best friend.

When high school rolled in, I became friends with a boy from church and my parents thought we had something more. It pissed me off, sure it did, because society was telling me that I was supposed to hold his hand when I didn't want to. I rejected him, not as a friend, but because he wanted more than what I could give, and it fueled him with rage. It made me think that I wasn't enough, that I was supposed to give more than what I wanted, or what I had. I don't miss it at all, and whenever I think of the damage it caused, it almost feels like the pain wants to linger again. But it's not going to linger, never again. I think I've had my fair share of tears and fears to just let it go.

And of course, we don't even have to talk about her. She has filled too many pages for me and I don't even need to turn them back and read it all again.

If I'm being honest, there is fear in my heart. I'm afraid that he might not see me as a constant in his life, and he'll get up and leave. I'm afraid that I'm not enough for him, that I'll mess up a word and he'll go psycho because of something I said. I'm afraid that he'll listen to their words, the words that linger in my head saying that we'll never last. I'm afraid that he'll soon regret being with me, that he'd laugh, and think of me as some joke. I'm afraid to lose all over again, and I'm afraid because it could be him.

If I'm being honest, I do love him very much. And I know the concept of love is not about giving to receive in return, but I just don't want him to go. Call me selfish, but I just don't want him to think that he's not happy with me anymore. I want the best for him, and I'm trying, God, I'm fucking trying, and I'd do anything for him, because I love him, and it feels like I've never even loved anyone before. He's the lullaby to my insomnia that haunted me for years, now being enveloped with a song that's stuck in my own head, words that will take off the weight of the world, whispering to my heart, telling me that everything will be okay. And when I drift off, I hope that he's thinking of me with a smile on his face, knowing that the world will be at peace, and he'll get to live in that peace with me.

I just want to make it work, make it last, with him, only him.

- "Different", January 19