Seventeen

23 - Moments

I think that the most interesting part of leaving something behind, or rather someone behind, is that you'll be reminded of that at some point, maybe after years of training yourself to forget, in which you succeeded in, and the emotional attachment that was once there is already lost in the blurry part of your mind, but you still have the memory of it being a big part of your life at the time. The thought of it will haunt you for a bit until you get out of it after ten minutes of the great depression.

Another thing to think about is when you're somewhere in the middle of your improvement journey, both physically and mentally, when you think that you're getting the hang of things, you can slip out of it and be completely honest about not being perfect. Sure, I messed up, but I'm a fucking human being, I'm sorry if I'm not the perfect YouTube beauty guru that can easily redeem themselves with an apology video, but I won't say sorry about it. Maybe I needed the bag of chips after an exhausting day of dance practice, maybe I just wanna stay in bed today instead of listen to your sorry ass trying not to cry during a girl's night out, because I've been there before, but I'm not sure if I'm the same person who did drugs in the school bathroom from five months ago. I'm not trying to rush my progress, but I think it's best if I do things my way right now. Sometimes I'd drive at 60, but I wanna be on a 35 right now.

The confusion on people's faces when I say that I'm in the middle of dealing with my depression is absolutely fascinating to me. The comments of Ms. You Don't Look Depressed and Mr. It's Just A Phase, not to mention Judge Judy who told me that my makeup looks like I'm trying to conceal my drug addiction with a too eye-catching eyeshadow look. Guess fucking what, Judy? I am trying to conceal my drug addiction, which I got over with by the way, but I'm actually just trying to be confident with my craft and myself, thanks.

I am not that person anymore, and my Friday night plans to completely ignore my sort-of-strict dancer diet to raid a full pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream while watching an episode of Kitchen Nightmares from 2013 will not define my entire week even if sometimes I wish it would. My small fuck ups are not my entire lifespan. My tiny stopovers, those ten-minute breaks of fun and memes on Instagram doesn't mean I'm quitting on the image of me that I wanna work on. I'm not perfect, I face the consequences as much as you think I'm not. I face the morning hangovers after a night of beer pints with my brother. I face the late alarm on Mondays when I stay up until 2 am on a Sunday. I face the difficulty of trying to walk up the stairs without panting after not working out for a week. I'll always have my moments, and so will you. It's okay. You don't have to pretend, especially with yourself.

– "Moments", February 24