Seventeen

18 - Deserve

To all the boys I've loved before, this is a letter of closure, not for you, but for me.

At the age of, let's say I was barely even a fetus when society forced my femininity to be attracted to the masculine flesh. Not that there's anything wrong with you all; There are men out there whom I genuinely respect, while there are some who can be buried underneath the earth's core and I'd never even bat an eye. Society wanted me to like you, feel butterflies around you, and they wanted me to write your names everywhere. Of course, I did those things with the sudden let down of not being attractive enough to not have anyone reciprocate those so-called feelings that I was forced upon.

But here's the thing, I know I've been blaming society for liking you. I don't anymore. You, and many, many others, were a part of my life that shaped me to who I am today. I mean, it's gonna be extremely difficult for me to accept this, but I guess I truly liked you back then. I did, now I don't, and fuck the universe for not giving me the boy that I wanted, but I know better now. I will get the man who I truly deserve. Through the way of finding who I deserve, I found myself through magazine spreads, social media platforms, and the windows of shopping malls. I found myself rising up only to find myself wanting to go back down.

Along the way, as I buried the feelings deep down, I found boys who liked me for who I portrayed myself as. Yes, boys, not men. Boys who went absolutely ballistic after a reply, tricking me into riddles until I show the tiniest bit of cleavage. It was absolutely revolting for me to even follow some of their requests. I wanted to be loved, so badly, that I found materialism as a substitute for purity.

I am sick and tired of hearing these boys, seeing these boys go crazy over women instead of taking us seriously. We are not your monthly subscription from your favorite porn site. We are not your little pet to pick up and put down whenever you please. We are not your little angel to confess your sins to. You do not own us.

I am not your escape from married life to try the younger fashion. I am not your midnight rush only to be your morning hangover. I will not be a part of your hundreds of one-night stands. I will not postpone my dreams to give you a better orgasm. You do not own me.

I am not who you think I am, for I am who I am. And even if you try to trick me again by acting as the man who will bring me out of my misery, I'll know who I truly am, and what I truly deserve. I am not yours. You cannot own me, never again, because I do not need you at all.

- "Deserve", December 22