Seventeen

It's Okay. (epilogue)

So... It's been a while.

In all honesty, I don't think I'll ever forget what this whole year meant to me. Sure, I had the most mind-blowing but important fuck ups that not a lot of people knew about me, and maybe I did disappear from the world to recollect my broken pieces, but it didn't exactly mean that I was on my way to a happy ending by the end of this chapter.

I had so many things to do that I didn't accomplish, and that's fine. I had my moments of thinking about past lovers, thinking that I could get back with said past lovers, fucking it all up again because it's just inevitable, and repeating that cycle until I notice how much of me has been broken on the ground. I thought the people who left me were the ones to take away every piece of me, for them to never be able to return those pieces, for me to never have myself fully again, but no. I still have those pieces, the only thing I can do is to try and put them back, and I will put them back eventually. It's okay, I have time.

Throughout the year I had so many questions and eventually some got their answers, but then I gathered more questions. I realized that believing isn't just about getting from point A to point B, it's being curious about what happens in between the two points, or if there's more than just two points. It sounds crazy when I feel like I've found the answers only to realize that I have to start over, and that's okay, I have faith... In all of this, and in me, maybe not all of me, at least not yet, but it's okay, I have time.

Or maybe I don't have enough time. Maybe nothing is truly promised until you feel the light in your eyes slowly fade away, or the fire in your heart slowly die out. Maybe I'll never gather all of the answers that I wanted.

It's okay. I'll be okay.

I thought the light at the end of the tunnel would be the actual end of it all, but the light led me to something even greater. It led me to believe that you're gonna need to hold on, to just hold on, you'll find that piece anywhere in the world if you really want it. And you're gonna hold onto that, to really hold onto that, because you're gonna need every win you can get. You're gonna need light wherever you go. And wherever you go, you take that piece, that light, that promise that will get you through more tunnels, eventually leading you out of those tunnels to find a new light again. Those tunnels are nothing compared to who you are, to everything you've been through, to every piece of you that has fallen.

It's okay. You'll be okay.

– "It's Okay.", September 15