Seventeen

8 - Numb

Hell is where you don't want to feel a thing, but you do.

I often ask myself if it's possible to be so used to pain that you'd just feel numb by the time your loop of hell is at it's hundredth, maybe thousandth, but then again, as a lowkey masochistic person who'd do literally anything to inflict physical pain on myself, I realized that physical pain isn't my weakness... Well, at least not anymore.

Hell is where your loop wants you to feel the guilt, over and over, where it starts to hurt your chest and tears will gather in your eyes. Hell is where the blood on the floor isn't really yours, but someone else's, maybe the one you love the most.

Hell is an asylum that I'll never be able to escape. It'll torture me with the ones I love most.

And even if right now, I feel as numb as a kid asleep during surgery, as I remember what that felt like, this doesn't feel like a surgery anymore. This doesn't feel like something that'll help me to feel better. This doesn't feel like it'll get better.

As I count the days that pass by, it feels like a never-ending loop of something that will prepare me to the hell that was coming my way. The pills, God, these motherfuckers, they just don't work anymore. No matter what I do. Fuck, please.

This isn't school anymore, or church, or family, even. It's just me. I'm the problem. I'm the burden. I bring myself down. I'm not helping myself to get better, but to get worse, and it sucks because I don't feel a thing anymore, but they do. They feel me with every step that I take, the pain that I'm used to receiving is passed onto them, and I don't want that. I don't want them to cry out the tears I've cried, scream out the words I once let go, I don't want them to break their hearts because of mine. Please, God, not them. It's just me. Please. Just let it be me. Just me.

- "Numb", October 19