Do you Think You're Better Everyday? ↠Maylor↞ ✔

I20I - Realization

I've been in bed all day when I should really be at school because I shouldn't be risking letting my grades drop even more because I know there are a few exams today. I can't face anyone right now, and it did take a lot of begging to finally convince my poor mother to let me stay home. Now she's at work and had no choice but to let Claire stay too, as she was jealous that I got to stay so she also begged.

I stare up at the ceiling fan spinning repetitively over and over again. It reminds me of my thoughts. Just spiraling in the same direction over and over again. I don't know what to think anymore. I'm not sure if I regret not replying to Brian's message or not. Does he deserve it? All I want to know what the one thing he is keeping from me is.

I've told him what I felt about my mum, I told him my thoughts on the whole Jayden thing, I told him I'm a drummer, God, I even told him about all my grades that I'm super insecure about. He's always been there for me, and it makes me feel weird that I can trust him but he doesn't trust me. Am I not trustable enough?

I care about Brian so much, and I would help him through anything just like he helps me through things. He should know that whatever secret he's keeping, I'd never treat it unkindly.

Then again, I ran off. Exactly proving that I actually was very sensitive like Brian said. Like Brian said. I don't think I would have such a reaction if anyone else called me sensitive, but when it came from Brian, someone I look up to to be a better person, it breaks me even thinking about it.

I'm a terrible, sensitive friend. I was there, thinking he was being entitled to his own benefit, but I was being the entitled One, wasn't I? It's something he wanted to obviously keep from me for some reason. I wouldn't have a much of a problem if it was a secret he just kept to himself. But Freddie and John? Does he just respect them more than me?

But his text message spoke otherwise.

I don't know what to do.

Just as I start to close my eyes starting to get sleepy, I hear the squeaking of my door opening loudly and I shoot up from my bed, not expecting anyone to walk in, but my eyes drop a bit only to see Claire standing there in her pink overalls, playing with her fingers shyly staring down standing at my doorway. I get annoyed, as I was trying to think and she just walks in and interrupts me from my thoughts like that. "What do you want?" I question quietly, but respectfully. I don't want to make another person upset.

She taps her foot against the wood floor, hesitating to even speak. I really have no clue why we hardly speak anyways unless it's us arguing over the food in the pantry or the drinks in the fridge.

She looks up to me with her big blue eyes that are similar to mine. "Is there something wrong? You've been acting so weird lately."

How could she even tell? I didn't even think she paid attention to anything. Especially her, aside from my own mother. I try to play it off like I didn't know what she was talking about for as much of a reasonable time as I can keep up, "What are you talking about?"

"You come home at 4 a.m after going to A party the night before, you had a boy in the house, you wore my dress and tights-" she chuckles for a moment, "You had this tall, 80s looking boy in the house, you've also been avoiding me more than usual... I don't like seeing you like this. Whatever happened to the times a few years back where we would prank mum, where we would do everything together... like a brother and sister."

I feel my heartache, she was right, times are very different now. I remember everything we used to do and I would lie if I didn't say I missed actually hanging out with my own sibling. My only sibling that I'll only have one of. I can't help it though, I wish I was the same way I was before I started dating Jayden. My life had become so dreadful. I even remember refusing my own mother to drag me to therapy late 8th grade, which was about 3 years ago.