Complexes (LGBT) (boyxboy)

chapter 27

Chapter 27

Uselessness is an awful feeling. When you care about someone so much, all you want to do is protect them from all evil and fix their problems. 

You want to stop them from even the slightest bit of hurt, but when that's beyond your control and you can't be the person you want to be, that's when you feel like the most useless and helpless person in the world. 

I looked at Lucas, almost like everything was going in slow motion. I wanted to believe that this was some kind of nightmare, that I would wake up and Lucas would be sleeping peacefully in the bed beside me, because there was no way the world would be this cruel, but it was. 

It was this cruel. It was unfair, and Lucas once again had drawn the short straw. 

"No...no, no, no, no, no...I...I c-....I...no..." He stammered out, his whole body shaking. He looked around frantically, almost as if he was trying to physically see if this was real, that this was happening. 

I didn't know what to say to him. What could I possibly say to make this better? There wasn't a damn thing. I couldn't fix this. "Lucas..." I started, with no intentions of finishing. 

He stood up quickly, facing away from me. 

He tangled his fingers in his hair, symbolically trying to get a grip on reality, but if I couldn't even accept this as reality then how could he? He turned back to me, jittering from side to side, his arms and hands shaking. 

I could see in his eyes that he was trying to keep it together. 

He was trying to think calmly, but his body language told an entirely different story. 

He was whispering under his breath and shaking his head. His eyes were pleading with me to tell him this wasn't happening, but I was a useless moron, sitting there not knowing what to do. 

Something changed in his eyes so quickly that I almost didn't see it. The shock disappeared and was replaced with devastation and panic. He fell to his knees, doubling over on the ground as he broke down. He cried, sobbed, wailed. He rocked back and forth on the ground gasping for air.

 Almost in a daze I looked back at my phone, just to check that this was actually happening. I was immediately disgusted by what I saw and tossed the phone to my side. I looked back down at Lucas. 

He fell further to the floor, laying on his side with his hair covering his face. His body shook with convulsions. I heard his chortled breathing, struggling lot worse than other panic attacks I had seen him have. 

I quickly got on the floor with him and pushed his hair out of his face to make it easier to get some air. My eyes prickled with unshed tears seeing him like this. I stopped touching him, knowing it wasn't doing him any good. 

A thin layer of sweat covered his face. He clutched at his chest, feeling his own heartbeat which I knew was beating out of control. "Remember your breathing exercises, Lucas. Count in your head. You're safe in here with me." I said. His eyes shot to mine, almost in a glare. "Safe?" He gasped out, "Safe?" He sat up and I sat back, a little surprised at the sudden movement and crazed look in his eyes. "No...no. I am not safe here!" He cried hysterically, and rightly so. 

He got up and stumbled over to his drawers. He ripped one open and started tossing his clothes on his bed. "What are you doing?" I asked in confusion. "I can't sEmily here anymore." He said. At those words, I got up and rushed over to him. "Lucas..." I started off calmly. "I'm leaving. I-I have to go." His voice shook. "You're not going anywhere. Not like this." I said, and went back to his bed, gathering up the clothes he threw and taking them back to the drawers.