Complexes (LGBT) (boyxboy)

chapter 37

Chapter 37

I chased Lucas outside the building. He was storming away, pulling his shirt on and carrying his other things. I could tell just by the way he walked that he was pissed off. "Lucas, wait! Where are you going?" I called out after him. He glanced back at me, huffing, "Well, I could see I was making you uncomfortable so I thought I'd leave you to it." "Uncomfortable? No, you don't make me uncomfortable." I denied it. The others made me uncomfortable. Lucas didn't. He stopped and spun around. His eyes narrowed in a glare and I stopped in my tracks a few feet away from him.

"Yes, Connor, I do. You're still treating me like I'm some kind of secret." He spoke angrily. He was mad, really mad. "Secret? But I came out for you in front of everyone." I argued. "Good for you! But let's face it, that didn't really fix our problems, did it?" He asked. "What problems?" I asked back. 

He sighed, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "It is so, so difficult to be patient with you while your brain catches up to what's going on." He snapped. "Well, I'm sorry I'm an idiot." I said in a quivering voice. "You're not..." He stopped, sighing once more, "You're not an idiot. You just don't get it." 

My hands were shaking, maybe because of the cold or maybe because I couldn't handle confrontations with people smarter than I was. Who knows? "Listen, just answer this...Are you embarrassed of me?" He asked. "No." I said softly, shaking my head. "See, you say that you're not but you can't even touch me when other people are around. You're all over me when we're alone but the second someone could see us, you back off completely and it hurts. 

It really, really hurts that you still want me to be like a secret." He said, and I knew that. I knew he wanted to be a normal couple and so did I. It was hard though. "I'm trying." I said. "Just go back to your friends, Connor." He said. "I don't want to. I want to go with you." I said. "Well I don't want you to." He snapped. 

He looked at me for just a second longer before turning and walking away, leaving me there with a weird feeling in my stomach. 

—

- I barely got any sleep last night. After I stayed around at the pool with the guys for a little bit longer, I went back to the dorms and Lucas was already asleep, or maybe pretending to me.

 It was much too quiet when I returned. 

The whole night I was tossing and turning because I just wanted things to be better. It was so frustrating because I knew exactly what I had to do to make things okay. I had to be open about being with Lucas. I had to kiss and hold him in public. 

I had to be the perfect boyfriend he deserved. In theory it was so easy, but then the words of my dad came flooding back and all I wanted to do was back away. I knew I just needed a little extra time to adjust to this, but Lucas apparently wasn't a patient person. 

I thought I was getting better with this every day. Before the phone call with my dad I felt like I was being more and more open with Lucas, but now I felt like a hermit crab. I knew I could get back to that point eventually. I just needed a little more time and I needed Lucas to give me that. When I woke up, he was gone, so I got up and ready for the day before going to look for him.

 I found him in the dining room. He was sitting by himself having breakfast. As approached him he looked up at me, and while he looked a little sad, he didn't get up and leave. At least he wasn't avoiding me. I sat down next to him and he stopped eating. 

He glanced at me, waiting for me to say something and I wasn't really sure how to start. I wasn't the best with words or apologies. "I love you." I told him. 

He closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in and out heavily before looking at me again, and when he did I noticed he had given in. 

Not a trace of anger was seen. "I know." He said. I sighed in relief. "I'm also sorry for making you feel like you're a ret. I'm just really trying hard to adapt to all of this and I know it's dumb but I actually do care about what other people think of me." I explained. "I wish you didn't. Everything would be a lot easier if you didn't." He said. "I know. It's just hard...but I'm trying." I said softly.