Complexes (LGBT) (boyxboy)

chapter 2

Lucas had one class with me; just one. It was a compulsory communications class. He sat down the front and I was up the back with my friends. I honestly felt like I was in high school again spying on Ana. It had only been a day since I learnt they were back and I was still trying to wrap my head around everything, mostly trying to see them as a guy. 

What's a guy to do when the girl they had a massive crush on comes back as a guy? You google transgender people, that's what.

I was up most of the night trying to figure this out. I felt like an absolute idiot. There were so many definitions though and it confused me. All I really got from it was that Lucas identifies as a male and I should use male pronouns like he asked or I'd seem like a dick. 

I usually didn't care about seeming like a dick. I did what I wanted to and I said what I wanted to but this was different.

Lucas was someone I really liked at one stage. They were someone I'd subtly try to impress all the time and now I was confused. Part of me just wanted to talk to him, but that would be weird because I had never talked to him when he went by Ana.

It literally was like back in high school; being too nervous to go and talk to someone. Obviously I didn't like them anymore. It had been a while since high school. I couldn't explain the weird feeling.  "Didn't you used have the biggest crush on her?" Casey asked. He was on one side while Eddie was on the other.

"Back in high school. Things were a lot different then," I told him.  "So...does this make you gay or straight?

Because I mean, if she left to go get a sex change then before she left she would have known she was actually a he on the inside. That's how it works, right?" Eddie asked.

I had kept him up all night, talking about what I was reading online about trans males, trying to make sense of it and of course he hadn't been much help.  "I don't know. I don't know anything about how this shit works," I grumbled.  "Okay, okay, but," Casey was talking this time, "Like...theoretically, if she's always been a guy on the inside then when you had a crush on her, or him, then that makes you totally gay, right?" he laughed and I gritted my teeth in anger.

This was not the reputation I wanted.  "I'm not gay. Shut up, Casey," I snapped.  "I wonder if it went through surgery," Casey said. I could seriously punch him in the face right now. I didn't even want to talk about this. It was too weird.  "Come on, don't call him an 'it'," I got defensive.  "I don't know what else to call...them?" he said questioningly.  "He told me yesterday it's 'he'" I explained. 

"But they're not a guy, no matter how hard they try," he said.   I looked over at Lucas, just the back of his head as he sat there writing notes. I didn't know how I felt about Casey's comment. I didn't know how I felt about any of this. I mean, Lucas may look like a guy now but are they really a guy? It felt like it was pretend.

This was kind of surreal. Sure, I've seen this sort of thing in movies but that's usually drag queens. I've never seen it the other way around. I was both curious and a little weirded out.

I didn't really get it.  "I still wanna know if they have a dick," Casey said and snorted in laughter.  "If they do then it's probably not as big as the one on your head," I said with a sarcastically smile.
Next to me Eddie laughed.

He didn't get along with Casey too well and loved it when he was taken down a peg.  "Shut up and pay attention to the professor. God knows you need the extra help," he muttered. I had officially annoyed him, but he'd get over it soon enough. 

Casey was right though. I needed to pay attention to these lectures and take notes.

I wasn't here because of being academically gifted. No, I was here on soccer scholarship and I had to make sure I kept my grades up at the same time to keep it.