Five Feet Closer- Sequel to Five Feet Apart-

WILL

I woke up to find Stella gone, and a white envelope resting on my lap. I carefully opened it. 

Hey Will! Hope your doing OK! You are amazing and strong. Keep fighting! We'll visit on Saturday. Love you, Jason and Hope. 

I smiled, (tried to, to say the least) and put the letter back down. I focused my gaze on the clock that hung above the door. 9:00 pm. 

Ugh. 

I was sick of not talking. I was sick of being in this recovery room. I was ready (mentally) to travel. To hang out with Stella. To meet freaking Bob Ross! Heck, I wanted my mouth back. 

But here I am. 

From my chest down to my hips, pain was present. Not a lot, due to the meds. But still. I couldn't re-position myself without wincing slightly. I tried to move my lips, but fighting with the ventilator was useless. The darn thing always wins. Every. Fucking. Time. 

These lungs were great. I was lucky to have them. They were CF free. For at least 5 years. Then I'm back to square 1. Lungs buy me time, not a cure. 

Lets be real here. Having new lungs was weird. These lungs weren't mine. They belonged to some dead guy. Who knows? Maybe I could have the lungs of serial killer! Or a random dude named Dave. 

Sorry,  Dave the Dead. Sorry. 

CFers are overjoyed when they have new lungs. Trust me, I am too. But am I the only one that wants to know where these lungs came from? 

When your held captive in a hospital bed with a tube sticking out of your mouth, you do a lot of thinking. 

Aside from that, I thought about Stella. I thought about what would happen if we both didn't have this genetic disease. I would be able to have a kid. To live a long life. To have a family. Maybe even a father that loves me. Like most guys with CF, I'm infertile. That means no children. I was always happy with that fact. I could have sex with anyone and not worry about getting anyone pregnant. 

But for once, I wish I could. 

Now the chances are slim, but Stella could have a kid. It falls into the difficult category, but it's still possible. Google it. And I couldn't give her a kid. Ever. 

Yes, we could have sex for all of you wondering. But just no kids. She knows it too. What if she decides to take the risk, and leaves me? Why was she even dating me in the first place? I have no benefits. I wanted Stella to be happy. And I'm preparing myself for the day when she says no more. And I'll let her go.

I cursed CF through the ventilator. Then a realization struck me. 

Yes, Cystic Fibrosis had and in some cases was still tearing us apart, but it was the thing that brought us together in the first place. Without CF, I wouldn't have met Stella. So even though CF sucked most of the time and would eventually claim my life; it also brought me to a hospital where I fell in love with the most amazing girl. And I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. Even for a life without CF.

And I don't give a fat rats ass about have many years I have left. As long as I have Stella, I'll be OK. 

As long as she doesn't leave me.