CHANGING MATT

Shoot me

The drive to WCU was a long one, long enough to make me rethink my whole life, and to even consider suicide. The thoughts that wavered through my thoughts, made the trip seem even longer. Mona had said something about me needing to find a lover. I can't recall her exact words, but she definitely said something along those lines. I burst into laughter, recalling the moment at my room. My ex room. Silly child, what does she know about love? But in all sincerity, she definitely knows a whole lot more than me. She was confused at to who exactly I was, and that confusion wasn't far fetched from me either. It was easy to say I was the straight A nerd and president of whatever clubs I was president of. But who was I within? I laugh at how deep I begin to sound in my own head, and that's the first genuine laugh I've had in years. Seriously, I really do crack myself up. You are damaged Jenn. Are you my sister, I'm not fucking sure anymore. I turn on my car radio, and I tune up the volume high enough to make it seem as though the early morning newscaster is screaming at the top of her loungs. I do this all in a bid to save my mind from Mona's haunting words. And my haunting thoughts, because that thought of suicide was still definitely at the back of my mind. I take the last right turn leading to WCU. Ten more minutes and I'd be stepping through the doors of college like everything is fine and like I'm not a lonely child in need of her family's fucking attention. That was who I was. Not. I'd say I'm a psychopath in need of medical fucking attention. The newscaster had finally stepped down and paved way for rock music to blast through my radio speakers. Nothing beats rock music on a frustrated morning. In fact, a wave of happiness had almost began to creep into my damaged soul, until my fucking Camry realized I didn't fucking deserve happiness. It practically bailed on me, in the middle of a fucking deserted street. Shoot me.