With and Without You (A Jordan Knight Fanfiction)

6

Vivian woke up, unsure where she was at first. She lifted her head and realized she was laying on Jordan's leg, his hand was in her hair. She couldn't believe he was still here after what she confessed to him. And the fact that her head was laying in his lap gave her hope. She was afraid he'd hate her for what she told him she did nine years ago.

Then it hit her, she'd freaked out over something. She'd had a total meltdown. Oh my God I need to get out of here. He's going to ask questions I can't answer. She tried to slip out from under his hand without waking him. She couldn't be here anymore. She made it off the couch and he remained sleeping. She grabbed her things and was out the door. She practically ran for the elevator. But she heard a door open behind her. She turned and quickly went through the door that said Stairs on it. She ran down several flights of stairs, but he was on the 25th floor. She stopped and sat down on the stairs. She didn't hear anyone behind her. She dropped her head into her hands and began to cry as she remembered what had happened. She was so embarrassed he saw her like that. There was no way she could face him. Vivian wiped her face and stood up. She went through the door to get on the elevator. When the doors opened to the Lobby, there he was, Jordan was waiting for her. He looked hurt. He looked concerned. He gave her a sad smile and opened his arms to her. She didn't hesitate, she went right into his arms. When those arms wrapped around her, she felt safe.

He backed her into the elevator with her still in his arms. She began to sob against his chest. He just stroked her hair. They went back to his room. He didn't ask her any questions, he just walked her into the bedroom and gave her something to sleep in. He told her, "Get some sleep. I'll be right out in the living room. I'm here if you need anything. I won't ask you any questions. If and when you're ready to talk to me about it you can, but you don't have to. Just don't feel like you ever have to run away from me again." He kissed her and left the room.

Vivian changed into his sweats and just left her tank top on, but removed her bra. She went out to the living room. She was thirsty. Jordan sat up as soon as he heard the door open. "Do you need something beautiful" he asked her. She answered, "I was going to get a water, would you like something"? He shook his head. She grabbed a bottle of water and went into the living room. Jordan went to move his legs off the couch so she could sit. But she said, "No, don't move." She laid next to him on the couch with her back to him.

"Jordan, I'm so sorry about tonight. I've got some issues, I'm very damaged, I'm working on it. Please know I never really thought you would hurt me. I don't want you to think I was scared of you. I wish I could tell you everything, but I can't. I love that you still look at me like you did when I was 17. If you knew everything you'd be disgusted and never want to look at me again. It's really bad."

"Viv, there is nothing you could ever tell me that would change the way I look at you. Or the way I feel about you. Tonight you told me you aborted my child without ever telling me about it and then disappeared out of my life. I still look at you like you're the most beautiful and amazing woman I've ever met. And I still love you. In my mind and heart, what could be worse than that? But there's no pressure on you. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to. I just hope someday you'll feel like you can. Hey if you're going to lay on the couch with me and sleep, we should just go sleep in the bed."

She stood up and took his hand, he got off the couch as she led him into the bedroom. They got into the bed on opposite sides but met in the middle. She snuggled up to him and laid her head on his chest. He wrapped his strong arms around her and she felt secure. She listened to his heart beating a slow and steady pace. She knew she could trust Jordan. He was the kindest, gentlest, most loving man she had ever known. This is the man who waited for her. He was then man who waited so patiently for her to be ready. Even when she told him she was ready, she wanted him to be her first, he wanted to wait a little longer so she could be sure she was ready. There was no one else in the world like this man that held her in his arms right now. So why, when she knew she could trust him, didn't she?

When his breathing had steadied out and she knew he was asleep she whispered, "Jordan, one day I promise to tell you everything. But I'm scared when you find out how truly damaged and broken I am you'll run. Or worse, you'll try to fix me. And I'm afraid I am beyond repair. I regret the day I left you. Its been the biggest regret of my life and I'm sorry. I deserved everything Jason did to me, it was my penance...for you. I never stopped loving you."

Jordan wasn't asleep though, but he didn't want her to know he'd heard every word. And it broke his heart. How could she think she deserved to be hurt as penance for him? A single tear slid down his cheek for her, for the life they could have had, for their baby that never got to be, and for himself. Then his thoughts went to one name: Jason..who the fuck is Jason? He instinctively tightened his arms around her. She looked up at him, his eyes were closed but she saw the tear that escaped his eye, "Jordan are you awake"?

He tried to keep his eyes shut, but didn't want to lie. "Yes, I'm awake. I'm sorry I..." She cut him off, "Please don't apologize to me. Please don't ever apologize to me for anything, you have nothing to be sorry for. Everything that's happened to me has been all my fault. I'm to blame for every bad thing I've had to endure. I sealed my fate the day I chose to leave and not tell you about the baby, or maybe it was the day I chose to terminate my pregnancy. I still had a chance to make it right before that. I should have trusted you. I know I should trust you now. Jordan you say you never stopped loving me, that you still love me now. Is that true"?
Jordan pulled back and looked her in the eyes and said, "Yes Viv, I still love you, with all my heart. You were always the one that got way. Life without you, hasn't been a life at all. I've just gone through the motions, waiting."
"Waiting? Waiting for what" she asked.
Jordan let out a little laugh and said, "For you. What else? I'm not sure I've felt my heart beating for the past nine years. I mean I know it has, because I'm alive. But I didn't feel it. Then I opened my door yesterday and there you were. And suddenly, there it was too, that little thump, thump, thump in my chest. Its like my heart began beating again the moment I saw you. And I don't want that to ever go away again. I want you to never go away again. You're mine, you've always been mine, and I want you to stay with me forever Vivian Leigh Fraser".

She began to cry as he held her in his loving arms. Arms she'd missed so much. Arms she'd longed for so much. And as much as she wanted to stay in those arms forever. She knew she had to tell him everything before she could. He had to know every sad, horrific detail before their forever could begin.