With and Without You (A Jordan Knight Fanfiction)

8

Over the next couple of weeks they were inseparable. His tour was over and he had nothing but free time. He spent most of his nights with her in New York, at her place. He was finally able to talk her into a mini vacation. He wanted her to come to Boston with him. She was hesitant at first, but then thought about how great it would be to be back where it all began for them. And she'd missed her dad. She'd avoided Boston like the plague for years. Now she was going back with her reason to stay away.

Vivian wrapped her arms around her dad and squeezed. She was so happy to see him. God it had been so long. He looked at his only child and tears welled in his eyes. "Well aren't you the most beautiful thing I've ever seen? My baby girl. I've missed you so much. I was so scared I was never going to see you again."
"Oh Daddy, I'm so sorry I didn't call more, or visit. I've missed you too." She looked at her father and cried. She had missed her family so much. How could she ever thank Jordan for bringing them back to her?

Next stop Vivian wanted to make was Carson's Beach! They packed a picnic and some Tequila. She was going to need a few drinks to tell him everything she had to tell him. He deserved to finally hear her story.  To finally hear just how broken and damaged she was and how she got that way.

They walked along the beach first. Hand in hand. Then she put her arm through his, hugging his strong, muscular arm to her. She couldn't believe she was beginning to actually be happy. But before she got too happy she wanted to reveal herself to this amazing man. She was no longer afraid he'd leave when he heard what she'd been through. She was just afraid to relive it all.

When they sat down to their picnic dinner, she waited until they finished eating and then told him it was time for her to let him in. He lifted one eyebrow suggestively. She laughed, "Not like that Jordan, I let you there a long time ago. I know it's time I let you into my fucked up past. If you still want me to tell you. We can wait if you'd like to, but I'm ready to get it over with so we can move on." Jordan looked lovingly at her and said, "Babe, I know I'm not going to like what you have to tell me, but I'm here for you. I think you're right, this needs to happen so we can move forward, together."

She tries to force a smile, "Okay, here goes. After I graduated I got an internship at Rolling Stone, in the music department.  Jason was who I got assigned to work under. We became friends, we liked the same music and the same outdoor activities.  We hung out a lot outside of work. But I was not wanting anything outside of friendship with him. He had asked me out several times. The first time I agreed to go out with him was to your show. It didn't go well. He talked to Donnie about me and why I left. Donnie told him everything.  Then Jason interviewed you.  The next day he showed up at my apartment. He apologized for taking me there. He said he knew what happened between us and that it was good that I had left because you were with your fiance. That was what pushed me into his arms. I fell apart and he picked me back up." Jordan spoke up, "My fiance? I've never had a fiance."

"He made it up. He wanted me to move on from loving you. Anyways, we dated for a while. He was the perfect boyfriend, he took such good care of me. He was loving and caring, I was actually happy for the first time in a long time.  He proposed and I said yes. We got married a month later."

Jordan's eyes turned sad at the thought of her marrying someone else. The thought of another man making her happy hurt him deep in his heart.

"The first time he hit me was our wedding night." The sadness in his eyes turned to fury. She touched his hand to calm his anger. He needed to hear the rest and it was only going to get worse.

"We had just returned to our suite and were getting ready for bed, I don't even remember what happened,  but he slapped me so hard across the face, I fell sideways onto the bed. He jumped on the bed and as if the slap was foreplay, he still wanted sex. I tried to say no, but he forced it. That was pretty much how our next two years together went." She shifted a little farther away from him. She needed a little space. The next part was going to be very difficult to say and if he was touching her she might not be able to get it out.

"I had black eyes, he broke my nose five or six times, he broke my arm, all the fingers on one hand." Jordan stood and began to pace. He wanted to kill this guy. Vivian knew this was a lot to take in all at once, "Jordan would you like for me to stop. Maybe take a break"? He shook his head and motioned for her to continue

"Then I found out I was pregnant." She saw him flinch. But she kept talking.

"He didn't hit me for a full five months.  Then one night I left the house when I didn't have permission. I left my phone at home, another big no-no. I tried to get back before he got home from work. But I didn't make it. He was there waiting for me when I walked in the door. I saw how mad he was, but I had gotten comfortable with him not hurting me those five months."

"Jordan, the rage in this man's face was terrifying.  I didn't recognize him. He asked me where I'd been and who I was with. I told him I was at the beach alone. He punched me in the face for my first lie and broke my nose." Jordan lost it a little bit, he screamed 'MOTHER FUCKER!!" She continued, she had to finish

"Then he asked again, I lied again. He grabbed me by my throat and choked me while he punched four of my teeth out." Jordan raged, "GOD DAMNIT, I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!!"

"I told the truth the next time he asked me. He was more pissed at the truth than any lie. He grabbed me by my hair and slammed my head onto the marble countertop of our kitchen island. He shattered my eye socket. Then he grabbed a knife and started cutting my face. He cut me several times, you've seen the scars." Jordan sat down and touched her scars above her eye and beside it.

"Then he beat me mercilessly. He wanted me and our child dead. He left the room to get something, I don't know what, and I was able to get my phone, and I dialed nine one one. He came back in screaming at me for where I had gone and what he thought my reasons for going were. He kneeled over me and kissed me, told how much he loved me. He said I was his and only his and no one else would ever have me. That's when he stabbed me below my ribs." Jordan had tears in his eyes.

"The police showed up about 2 seconds later." She stopped to catch her breath, Jordan doesn't think she took a breath during her whole story, he didn't think he had either. He was so enraged right now. He wanted to kill that son of a bitch.

Vivian continued her sad story, "I was rushed to the hospital, I was saved obviously, but the baby died. I had four surgeries to repair my face and one surgery on my kidney, and another surgery to deliver the baby and fix issues that came along with losing him."  Jordan looked at her, and now his tears fell, "It was a boy?" Vivian cried for her dead son, "yes and he was perfect. They allowed me to hold him before he was taken from me."

"Jason was arrested, the trial took forever and I testified against him. He was sentenced to 60 years in prison."

Jordan held her tight and kissed her tenderly. "Where had you gone that night, that caused him to go so crazy like that?"

Vivian looked sad and hated to tell him, "That was the night I went to see your show."

Jordan jumped up and began to pace in the sand again. "He almost killed you because of me? All this shit happened because of me? Oh Viv, I'm so sorry. I hope that fucker dies in prison. You have to know you didn't deserve any of that. It wasn't penance for anything, you did not deserve it. And just so you know, this changes nothing about me wanting to be with you. I'll always want a life with you." Jordan sat back down and took her hands in his. She hadn't told him the part that worried her the most.

Vivian pulled her hands from his and now she stood up. "Jordan there's more. I can't have children. There were complications with the delivery, and lots of bleeding. They couldn't fix me. So now I'll never be able to give you a child. And I know how much you want to be a father. Hell you would be a father if not for me. If I hadn't been such a selfish bitch, you'd have a son or daughter. I'm so sorry Jordan. I'll understand if now you decide you don't want to be with me. I want you to really think about it though. What being with me will mean. No kids, ever. Please think long and hard before you make a decision."