With and Without You (A Jordan Knight Fanfiction)

7

Vivian looked around, at first she didn't know where she was. It didn't take her long to realize she was on Carsons Beach in Boston. She looked around trying to figure out when it was. She saw a beautiful 17 year old Jordan standing beside the bonfire. Oh my God, it's the night they met. He turns and looks at her. His bright smile takes over his whole face.
They are sitting by the fire now. He's holding her hand. Absentmindedly using his thumb to draw circles on her palm.
Now they're walking down the beach just the two of them. They kiss for the first time.
Something pulls Jordan from her, his lips are jerked back away from hers. He's reaching for her. She's reaching for him. Someone is dragging him away from her. She sees the moonlight glint off the long silver blade of the knife just before it slides into him, just below his ribs. Then he's falling, she tries to catch him, screaming his name. He's bleeding.  So much blood. Oh God so much blood. She holds him in her arms. Screaming for help. Over and over she screams, no help comes. She looks down,  Jordan's gone. The blood is hers. She screams again as someone grabs her by the hair and yanks her head back as they say, "You're mine. You'll always be mine. Because if you aren't mine, I'll fucking kill you, my love"

Vivian screams. She wakes herself and Jordan up. He's trying to hold her, to comfort her. To make her feel better. Its not working. She can't be touched right now. She shoves him away from her. He reaches for her. "DON'T TOUCH ME!!" She yells as she shoves him again. She falls off the bed and curls up in the fetal position sobbing. Jordan doesn't know what to do, so crawls off the bed and sits near her. He doesn't touch her, even though every cell in his body tells him to pick her up and hold her. He just sits there. As close to her as he can get without touching her. After a while he says, "Viv, do you want to tell me what your dream was about"? She stops crying and sits up. "Jordan, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to yell at you like that. I know you were just trying to help. I just can't handle being touched after one"
"Do you have them often" he asks her.
She lays her head in his lap and says,"Only when I'm happy and start to forget". He lifts his hand to touch her hair, but thinks twice and puts it back down. "Its okay Jordan, you can touch me now. I'm okay. It just takes me a minute to get my bearings after one of my nightmares."
He lifts his hand again, this time he runs his fingers against her hair. Then across her forehead. He touches the little scar above her eyebrow and then the one next to her eye. She flinches, but doesn't pull away, so he continues, running his fingers down her cheek. Then he runs his fingers over the scar on her neck. "Sweetheart, will you tell me about these? When did this happen to you? Who did this"?
"I can't tonight, but soon. I promise to tell you everything very soon" she told him. The pain in her voice hurt him to his very soul. "Can you tell me something I don't know then"?

She tries to think of something not too terrible to tell him. "I came to see you about 5 years ago. You had a show in San Francisco. I was interning at Rolling Stone. The editor I was interning with had gotten tickets and asked me to go. He thought I was just a big fan because of the tattoo. He had no idea about our past. He'd even gotten us meet and greet passes. I was excited to finally get to see you. I'd waited so long. And I felt like enough time had passed that maybe you wouldn't hate me anymore. As we were waited for our turn to "meet" you, I ran into Donnie and Angie. She was happy to see me, but Donnie, he grabbed my arm and almost hauled me off my feet, dragging me away from everyone else. He yelled at me, asking what the fuck I was doing there. Where I got the brass balls to think I could just show up like that. He told me to get the fuck out of there before you saw me. He said I had broken your heart and left you shattered and now had the audacity, yes he used the word audacity, to show up uninvited when you were finally getting your life back together. Then he told me again to get the fuck out before you saw me and that if you did see me I'd have him to deal with. So I left without a word to anyone. I just left Jason there alone. I think he actually had to interview you for an album review or something. He had no idea why I left." Jordan just sat there for a minute thinking. Trying to remember this particular show. He had the oddest look on his face. Then he found the memory he had been searching his mind for. "I remember that night. I remember it very clearly. That guy from Rolling Stone seemed in a hurry to get the interview done. He said he had brought a girl with him and that she'd run off. He seemed pretty upset. He used her name, but it definitely wasn't Vivian. I remember thinking I smelled you when I walked in the room. I've never forgotten your smell. Your perfume mixed with your natural scent. I remember Donnie being on edge. Wow it all makes sense now. Fuck, I wish you hadn't left. Wait a minute, Jason? Was that your husband"?

She looked away from Jordan. It was hard to talk to him about this while they looked at each other. "The name he used was Leigh. After I left Boston I started going by Leigh. I didn't want to be Vivian or Viv anymore. I'm sorry I left again. I wish I would have stayed too. But I didn't want cause you anymore pain. Donnie made it very clear I wasn't welcomed and I should have known better. And yes, Jason was my husband, not at that time though. At that time he was just my boss."
Then it hit her, "Damn I should have stayed. I might have saved myself a lot of pain. If that reunion would have been like this one. Then I wouldn't have been so broken. I was still, me back then. I guess I still had my penance to pay" she said in the saddest voice he'd ever heard. He stood up and reached for her hand, pulling her up and helping her back into bed. He covered her up and crawled into the other side of the bed. He was trying to make sure she had her space. But right now she didn't want space between them.