Journal

10

I hope he knows how much I loved him. I hope he knows how much he meant to me and still means to me. I hope he knows how I still can't help but stare in adoration. I hope he knows that he is loved. I know this sounds like "I'm still deeply in love" or some sappy shit but no. I did love him. Now he is my friend. He does mean a lot to me. And yes. I can't help it but when your first kiss breaks up with you you'll know what I mean. He's only a friend I swear and will never be anything more than that. Ever. Again. Anyways. I wish he would have stayed around so I could help him. He was going through a lot and still is. I wish I could have helped more. I wish I could be helping now. I was listening to "Lovely" by Twenty One Pilots and related to it alot. I stayed with him while he told me that he was going to kill himself and he was saying goodbye to me. I remember one time. He said goodbye and didn't reply to my texts for a long time so I walked outside with nothing but pajamas at like 11-12pm and sat in the snow and FaceTimed him until he answered. I didn't care if he was annoyed or sleeping or crying. I just wanted to know he was ok. Now we never talk. I don't think he has a clue as to how much I loved him. I hope he finds someone who can help him and care for him better than I did.