Always

Chapter 17

LISSA

        Once I had gotten into bed and fallen asleep the nightmares came. I was pretty sure that I was screaming in my room but in my dream I couldn't scream, when I tried to only air came out of my mouth soundlessly. I wanted to call Niall and tell him it hadn't meant anything and that all I wanted was him. But if I did that, I would ruin what I had accomplished with distancing myself from everyone. I couldn't handle pain. I shouldn't have even been thinking about this. I was then pulled into a nightmare.

        Walls surrounded me and I felt like I was suffocating. I wasn't claustrophobic but it felt like it. The room I was in was very small, like a janitor's closet. A door appeared and through it came Niall. He was battered and bruised. He just stared at me bleeding and completely helpless. I wanted to puke seeing him covered in blood. 

        I backed away from him. He reached out his hand and tried to grab for me. Niall got a hold of me and held me close. I felt his warmth but also the slow trickle of blood. He collapsed and I started to cry. More like sob. He was fading quickly. He then disappeared and I swatted the arir trying to find him even though I knew he was gone. I screamed now, sobs racked my lungs and came out as terrible screams. I couldn't control my breathing. Madrid then appeared behind me and put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed. He pulled me close.

        I instantly pushed him away in red hot anger. My emotions were running wild. I was disgusted with him. He had torn apart Niall, even if it wasn't intentional. I huffed. But then, I thought of earlier this evening. How I had broken Niall's heart. I felt ashamed. Madrid vanished and then an army of crying, but healthy, Nialls surrounded me. I could imagine that this is probably how Niall looked right now. Devastated.

       I woke up screaming and crying. I quickly stopped crying but continued to scream in fustration with myself. I knew I wouldn't get any more sleep without seeing more horrible things, so I curled myself up on the chair next to my window and silently watched the sun come up. 

        At 5 in the morning I made myself a bagel and some coffee. It was Saturday. I found my phone buzzing continuously on the kitchen counter on the charger. I didn't want to look at my phone to find out if my friends hated me already for hurting Niall. I decided to turn off my phone. I ate in solem silence. I jumped when I heard a sudden and furious knocking at the door. I didn't want to move or acknoledge the fact that if I opened the door I probably face my friends and as they walk away, not be able to call them my friends. 

        I trudged to the door of my flat and opened it and winced in anticipation for what was to come. I then pealed my eyes open when I didn't hear shouting. Everyone but Niall stood before me. Zayn, Elizabeth, Dakota, Liam, Mae, Harry, Kat, and Louis.  

        "We need to talk to you about uh... a few things." Elizabeth said for everyone. I nodded and we proceeded to the living room. We all sat down and I waited for the worst. The room was silent for awhile. 

        "Why?" Dakota asked all of a sudden. 

        Wh-what?" I say and try to keep my voice normal.

        "Why did you do that? How could you do that?" Mae spoke for everyone. The boys weren't saying much, but I wouldn't blame them for blowing up at me for hurting their best mate. I didn't know how to tell them that this was the least painful way to do things, that I would hurt him more if things got any further. 

        "Its... I-Well. I didn't want to hurt him. I barely was able to do what I did." I said softly.

        "You didn't seem to have a problem sleeping with some coworker and then telling Niall when he was going to-" Kat began to raise her voice but stopped herself, I feel like she had slipped up and said something she wasn't supposed to. I didn't think I could bare to hear whatever it was she was going to say.

        "It didn't mean anything, but I did it, because.... I don't know how to say or explain what and why." I held my head low and wished I had taken my hair down so I could hide behind it. 

        "I think we deserve an explanation, better yet Niall!" my breath hitched at his name.

        "Ok, I, I have a bad past with guys and I always ended up hurting them or getting hurt, because of some family things and it just. I didn't want to hurt Niall. I don't know how to act around them if they like me. I don't want thim to get hurt." I explain as briefly and as painlessly as I can. Everyone nods their head. They probably want to know how I hurt them, not that I killed them, but I just can't. They knew that this was a touchy subject since I had almost shed a tear while I explained. I never showed my emotions. It was better that way.

        After everyone had left I sighed as I layed on the couch and watched Dirty Dancing over and over again. I didn't eat or move. This was the only therapy I knew of. It didn't work at all, but it temorarily made me forget of all the shit that was happening. When it got to be 10 I stopped the movie. 

        I went to the kitchen and got a glass of water. I then starting thinking again and thought of what I had done. I threw the glass down with incredible force. I shattered and pieces flew everywhere. I didn't care right now. I walked over the shards of sharp glass that littered the floor and grabbed my phone and went to my bedroom. I dusted my feet off. My feet were covered in scratches. I just went to nightmare-filled sleep and tried to forget about everything.