Always

Chapter 15

LISSA

        In the morning I was finally able to get out of my own bed. The whole rest of the trip from Greg's house after Niall had confessed his feelings... had been very quiet and very long. When he had dropped me off to my house I had sat in that car a moment longer than I should have. I wanted to tell him that I felt like I was beginning to love him too, but I had to let him go. I couldn't love him. It just brought back too much. Yesterday I had been reminded of my father. By Niall. I never wanted that to happen again. 

        So, after a minute or so of on-going silence, I got out of the car without a word of goodbyes. My heart hurt. I didn't get how or why, but I knew it had something to do with Niall. I just wanted to move again go to Ireland or France, somewhere where I could start fresh again. 

        After entering my flat, I went to my bedroom. Everything was how it was before. I layed on the duvet curled into a tight ball. I held my legs to my chest tightly. I tried to not cry even though I was now in the privacy of my home. But I still felt like someone was watching me and shaking their head. Finally, I couldn't hold all the tears. I cried about my father, I cried over Niall. Sweet and loving Niall, I could've said it back. But then again I can't. I wasn't sure if I was prepared to break Niall's heart. It was all for the best, but I couldn't help but doubt myself. I cried over what Mae and all the girls might think of me after I do this thing. 

        I was going to break Niall's heart soon and I was in agony for the rest of the night. I couldn't sleep or eat or do anything. When Thursday morning came I got up. I had watched the sun come up as I sat in a chair curled up by the window. My mascara was probably beyond smeared. I had cried most of the night about everything. I hadn't cried in a very very long time. I was so out of practice that I almost choked on the thick sobs escaping my mouth. I screamed more than ten times. 

        I was so sad and angry at myself. It was 7 in the morning now. I didn't want to get up from the chair. I didn't want to move on from Niall. I hadn't cried when I left my home up north. I had fought with myself a lot, but I had done it. Now I was doubting if I could do this simple thing. But for some reason I felt closer to Niall than I had to anyone else right now.I was going to tear him away and it would suck. 

        I showered and changed into a sports bra, leggings, and a sweatshirt like normal. I walked to my car fresh faced with no makeup on. In the mirror of the bathroom I had looked at my sad sight. My mascara had been smeared and running and I had raccoon eyes. I also got out my phone and charged it. Once it had turned on it vibrated a lot. I had gotten messages from everyone, including my dad. I had deleted the unread messages and turned my phone back off to charge. It had taken some time to get the redness out of my eyes and off of face. But after some eye drops and some face cream, I was good to go. I put on my best fake smile and walked out. 

        On the way out I had grabbed a granola bar and water as usual. The drive to the gym was a fast and reckless one. In my rear view mirror, I saw Mae's car. 

        "Damnit!" I yelled. I didn't want Mae to see me like this. I didn't want to loose her because I was thinking to much about what I was going to do to Niall. Then my phone buzzed from the car charging port. Mae's face came up. Lovely memories came to me of how that picture had became her contact picture. I almost laughed. I answered the phone and winced as she began yelling into the phone.

        "ARE YOU CRAZY LISSA I GET BEHIND YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I SEE YOU ARE ON THE VERGE OF HITTING EVERY CAR WE GO BY!" she was breathing heavily now into the phone. "You gave me a heart attack! Are you okay?" she whispered. 

        "No, but don't worry about me. I'm healthy and that's all that matters." I tried to force a smile even though she couldn't see me. I hung up after she said she'd see me there with a sigh. I had a feeling she knew something was up. I hit the sides of the steering wheel without it jerking left and right and blasted music so no one could hear my screams of frustration. I was on the verge of tears, but the tears of last night were a one time thing.