Always

Chapter 16

LISSA

       In the morning I found myself in some one's warm arms. I wanted those arms to belong to Niall, but I knew as well as anything that they weren't his. I slowly got up with the sheets and sighed. I felt like I could just break into a million pieces like a broken china doll. I knew that what I had done would give room between Niall and I. It was terrible but nessecary. 

        I sat up and shook Madrid awake. He opened his eyes and looked at me with something unfamiliar in his eyes. A glint of something. He smiled up at me. I took half of the sheets and wrapped them around me and began to get up. 

        "Woah woah woah. Why do you have sheets covering your beautiful body? It's not like I haven't seen everything already." Madrid questioned me. 

        "Madrid you know why. This was a one time thing. I already feel guilty about doing this to your girlfriend-" I was mildly disgusted with Madrid and his flirting, but even more disgusted with my pathetic self. I had recieved some pleasure, where as all Niall would recieve was pain and hurt. But, I knew that pleasure would tranform into something horrid after this was all over.

        "Ex. Remember? I broke it off with her a little while ago. I just didn't feel for her as much as I had. Nothing was the same with her, and not in a better way. She is a whore. I walked in on her cheating on me twice. But I didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it. But that second time she couldn't lie and say she was drunk. But even if I was drunk I wouldn't accept pleasure over her. Ugh I'm sorry that I got all mopy on you. She wasn't always like that. Sorry." He had begun talking loudly at first, but his last words were in a sorrowful whisper.

        I wanted to comfort him but I was completely bare besides the sheets covering me. 

        "I'm so sorry. I thought your girlfriend was lovely, but I guess people change. Ok, well I have to get ready for self-defense classes." I sighed and walked into his bathroom. I took a shower and used his shampoo and his body wash that smelled really good. He didn't have any conditioner so my hair was sort of tangley once I got out. I dried myself off and wrapped the towel around me. Madrid was wearing slacks and a dress shirt. He was trying to tie his tie. I laughed at his struggle, but then stopped myself and decided I would not let myself be flirty at all.

        I returned my face to an emotionless stare as I put on my skinny dress pants and white blouse with a floral undershirt. Madrid gave me a confused glance as I grabbed the rest of my things and headed for the door. He grabbed my arm and pulled me into a quick kiss. I couldn't continue this so I pushed him away and let him lead the way to his car. I needed to get my car at the office and Madrid was going there anyway. The car ride had been filled with small talk. I left and drove my car to my house. I went inside and changed for working out.

        I put on waterproof makeup that would stay on till tomorrow. I went to the gym in a hurry, but I didn't drive recklessly, just fast. Niall, Harry, and Mae were already there. I walked up to them.

        "Hey Lissa, we were just thinking about what we should do tonight," Mae said excitedly.

        "And?..." I said.

        "And... we were think the club. Celebration for the end of the fourth week of a successful self- defense class." Harry said cheekily. I nodded. I had guessed we would do something together. 

        "Ok sounds good is everyone else coming?" I asked. I was referring to Liam, Zayn, Louis, and the girls.

        "Yup, sounds like tonight should be pretty fun." Niall said happily. He had a glint to eyes. It was warm and held car and something more that I didn't know of. Class went smoothly. Today was a break from fighting. The people that had already fought their first round got to just practice hitting and blocking with pads. We eventually stopped to watch the fights. I had heard that they would let neighboring weight classes fight if they won or were deemed worthy. I was hoping we would be able to face new people. We had both done our fights well last time.

        Finally class was over and we all headed out for food and then we would go to the club. We couldn't decide because we were on a phone line all together so I waited until everyone eventually decided on McDonalds. Harry complained that he wanted to go somewhere fancy with Mae but we all threatened to kill them if they didn't come with us. 

        Once we were there we all sat at the long table on the stools. I was surrounded by friends that made me happy and laugh, but I couldn't fully enjoy myself while I thought of how I would probably lose them. We didn't too much so that we wouldn't puke at the club. We threw away our garbage and left the restaraunt. Our chain of cars came to a stop at the club's parking lot. We all parked and got out. I had changed into dark dark high waisted skinny jeans and a crop top that said "I bite."

        At first I got a few wandering stares and didn't even acknowledge them, but after some alcohol had entered my system, I began flipping them off. Niall didn't leave my side and I was thankful for that. He chuckled when I would give perves the finger. I was trying to distract myself from what I needed and dreaded to do, for our own good. I knew I couldn't hold out on him anymore, but as soon as I turned to him to speak he spoke.

        "I need to talk to you." Niall said and pulled me into a vacant room with pool tables. "Listen Lissa, I have tried to keep myself distant from you but..." He trailed off and started to lean into me. "I love you." he whispered at last. I shook my head with so much dispair as I backed away and stopped when I ran into a pool table. His face was inches from mine, and even though I knew I shouldn't think about him, I though about how I could easily lean in and connect our lips. But then I thought about how he had just said he loved me and how I couldn't even say it back. A tear slipped down my face.

        "I'm so sorry Niall. This, us it can't..." I was praying for the strength I needed. "Niall, I only hurt people that I love or they hurt me." 

        "I would never hurt you, love." He sad desparately. "Lissa I love you and you are perfect and everyone gets hurt, but we will be okay." he said with renewed hope. He wasn't making this any easier. 

        "But Niall, I-" 

        "Lissa how many times do I have to tell you? I love you. On that lake, I not only fell in that freezing water, I also fell in love with you. I can't explain how I feel about you."

        "Please Niall."

        "No, you can't push me away, I'll just come back for you."

        "Niall. We can't be together, I-I." I was stuttering over my words. Niall took a step closer to me if that was possible. I put my hand out as if to warn him.

        "Nothing you say will change my mind." He said full of faith and finality. I began to cry hot tears that seemed to burn my skin.

        "Niall, I slept with Madrid." He froze. When he had heard about Madrid he had gotten all froze up and his gaze hardened.  Even though nothing had happened between Madrid and I that would develop any further. But now... He looked so betrayed and hurt. Even though we weren't dating, it felt like we were. I felt like I had just cheated on him. And in a way I had. I felt so ashamed. Niall hadn't shown any signs of life until a lone tear fell to his cheek. 

        "Lissa." he breathed out in despair. That one word brought a deathly wave of pain over me. These past few days I had cried more than I had in years. Now I felt the opposite of how I did yesterday on the mat when I pushed that girl down. I felt weak and puny. I knew that I couldn't let this continue at all because I would hurt him and myself.

        I wish he could understand that this was how I worked. I always pushed people away to keep them safe. But right now I felt like I had just hurt him even more. Niall finally did something. He swiftly pulled me closer and kissed me quickly with so much sadness. It was a goodbye kiss of sorts. And it hurt so damn much. Before I knew it Niall was gone and I went to the nearest bathroom. I cried three more fat tears and looked into the reflection.        

        I forced myself to stop crying and saw that my eyes were puffy and slightly red but it was fading fast. My makeup was still intact. I felt like I had been stabbed, a lot. I ran to my car and went home and went to sleep. I found that in my worst moments, I found comfort in sleep. Because when I slept, I didn't worry or feel or hurt. But, the only bad thing about sleep, was that it brought nightmares.