Letting Go

CHAPTER 22

I feel a small hand on me and I jump in shock. Relief floods my mind when I realise it's just lynnea.

"Who's Caitlyn".

"She was sort of Lex's best friend and she left about three months ago" I feel guilty for speaking about her like she never meant a fucking thing to me. When in actuality that damn girl become my whole fucking world. Her smile, her eyes. The creamy brown skin of her thighs. The brown eyes that made me feel that everything would eventually be okay in the end.
I feel the pain in my chest as her voice plays in my head again. I just can't anymore. I fall to the ground , crouching in front of my car. I feel the unwelcomed feeling of tears brewing behind my eyes but nothings there so they don't fall.

"Tyler what are those Mark's on your hand" lynnea is no longer calm she's shouting at me from the deepest part of her body. I feel her gaze on the fresh wounds on my arm. They haven't closed up entirely and the band aids must have fallen off in the fight.

"Tyler it's either you speak to me right now or so help me I will call your mother or sister to help you, because you damn need it if you doing these things to yourself" so violent and demanding.

I roll me eyes at her and pull my arm behind my back to get it away from her eyes.

"I've been in that position before and frankly suicide isn't an option at all. Be a man and suck it up. Whatever this pain is we can talk about it but I don't want you to ever hurt yourself again" she looks at me dead in the eye and I can't help but squirm a little under her gaze. She really is challenging!

"Hurting yourself isn't an answer. I saw what you did in there for your brother and the way you protected your sister imagine leaving them behind, all alone, they wouldn't be angry at you Tyler they would disappointed for leaving them when they're so dependent on you. Take it from me when that disappointment turns into anger its goes beyond a measly frustration. It conjures up all kinds of evil all because you're feeling abandoned" she says with a little too much emotion.

I want to ask her what she meant by "take it from me" but like I said every person I get close to makes a run for the hills and I don't want to lose someone again. When someone hurts you the way I've been hurt it doesn't leave you for a long time and the memory of that person just serves as a reminder of how bad you actually are. I knew for a long time that I didn't deserve Caitlyn but she wanted me and I was selfish enough to keep her to myself. In the end they all leave. My dad left , my mom left leaving a shell of a women behind, a women who looked like my mother but didn't act like her, Caitlyn left and now this girl lynnea will leave to. My life was going great. I just drank excessively and moved on. Now here I am actully caring and listening to what a complete stranger has to say to me.

Lynnea holds my middle and index fingertips in her hand and guides me to get up and got back into the building. She seems distracted but I am too. I'm pleased to see that Tommy didn't lose much blood and the cuts on his face weren't deep so he isn't going to die. I feel guilty for hurting him but the way he spoke about lexy made me lose control over my own actions.

Harry is at my side instantly with his friends around us. I don't bother to ask him what happened. One of my dads favourite sayings was "ignorance is bliss". I walk past the awkward stares and go straight to my tree. I'm not going to deal with Zacker right now she drives me nuts. I sit under the tree and close my eyes. Vanilla hits my nostrils and I open my eyes to stacy. Stacy is nice to most guys but a devil to women. She's an attention whore and she's always looking for my attention.

"Someone else decided to skip first today as well I see" she smiles down at me.

"Look stacy it's been a rough morning and I don't need you to bother me right now".

"Who said anything about bothering you all I want to do is entertain myself and you're available so what do you say we make like old times and leave this place".

Stacy and I were close but we drifted when something evil awoke in her the day her mother left her at her grandmother's house and never showed up again. She knew she was being abandoned though. She heard her mother talking to some Cole guy about running away with him and he said he didn't want Stacy with them. I saw the look in her eyes as she opened her legs and wrapped them around Tucker that night at Jason's party. I've always been fucked up but now she was too and after that I gave up on our friendship. She's always wanted me to be on her list though. She feels entitled to me somehow. I guess we both are fucked up now.

She smiles waiting for me to answer .

"Fuck I need a distraction from my shit storm life anyway" she eyes me carefully and smiles when I get up. She knows how long I've been avoiding this but right now i need my brain off and according to rule one if she's a hoe then you fuck her Tyler you made these rules for yourself. It seems fucked to you maybe but to me it feels like this is how I keep my balance. By being with women who are messed up like me.

Why is everyone a little broken inside? Why is everyone hurting a little bit? Is this world really so cruel to leave us all as shells and voids. Are we all searching for an escape, for purpose and guidance?  Will any of us really be okay?