Letting Go

CHAPTER 44.

The alcohol spread through my veins and made my mind fuzzy. I rolled through my contacts until I found Caitlyn's number. I dailed and seven rings later she answers.

"I didn't expect to hear from you" her voice makes my chest tighten up. Who knew she still had this affect on me?

"Yeah. I needed advice".

"What's wrong? "

"It's lynnea she's had a boyfriend this entire time and I feel like she needs to explain why, but I don't want to corner her. She already told me that she's dropping him for me because she wants me ".

"The problem is you don't trust her. In her defense you don't trust anyone Tyler. She may have broke your trust but from the story that lexy told me about you two, it's clear that she accepted you while knowing everything about you and Estelle.  If she could look past the bad in you, why are you struggling to look past the bad in her?".

"So you saying I should just forgive her".

"You don't have to forgive her. You have to be selfish for once and make yourself happy. When I left I was so worried about your feelings and you until lexy told me about lynnea".

"I know you and lexy have been in contact but don't pretend for even a second that you actually cared about me".

"Tyler you can say what ever bullshit you want but i do care about you and you will never understand the shit thay happened that made me leave" Caitlyn's voice shutters and I can hear the sadness intertwined in her rant "honestly I don't appreciate the assumptions you've made about me. If I could've told you in a way that you understood I would've. See Tyler I never ever wanted to come back into your life after I left but all I could think about these few months was you. The shit I'm dealing with is unfair on you and I need to do it alone".

I shout back cutting her off "shut up okay you let me down. You don't know what I went through without  you. I don't care about whatever you have to say. Like you said I have to be selfish so I don't care about you and your feelings I care about mine".

I got a really angry "Fuck you " and the line dies.

She hung up on me. What the actual fuck?

I go back to the hospital alone this time. I'm supposed to meet Lynnea there. As soon as I pull up into the parking lot I see Nea sitting on the steps outside the entrance.

"Have you gone to see her yet?" I ask her. I'm treading slowly not for her sake but for my angers sake.

"No. I wanted to talk to you before anything".

"Oh. Do you want to take a walk then".

"Yeah " I can hear how sad she is on the inside and I can see how much it's eating her. She's a mess.

I reach for her hand and take her small palm in mine. I lead her to the the top level of the parking space where we sit on a concrete wall with our feet dangling over.

"Here" I hand her my jacket.

"Tyler I'm scared".

"Scared of what ?".

"I'm going to lose both my mother and you. Losing my mom is going to he hard and it's going to destroy me but losing you will kill me. With Josh it's not love we just work well together. Josh has always been there for me since my parents separation. But with you its different. If I don't see you I go into protective mode. If you not in my day then i feel like the sun won't set. It's almost like my heart grew to ice and the flames of your breath melted me".

I can relate to what she just said. I was so dead after Caitlyn left but now I feel. I actually feel.

"You not going to lose me. We will figure something out and if we can get through this we will be able to get through anything".

"I'm willing to try if you are still willing to be with me Tyler. I just have to know how things would've played out if you knew about Josh?".

"We wouldn't have happened. Nea you have to know the girls I played were all girls that couldn't get hurt. I would never intentionally hurt someone by playing with their feelings. So if I knew about Josh I wouldn't have fallen for you. I would've never taken you from him. I know how it really feels to have the girl that's your world disappear so I wouldn't do that to someone else. It isn't right" I pull her closer to me. She nudges her head in to my chest and I hold her tighter.

" 'Til my last breath and beyond " she whispers to me and I smile.

"I love you" I tell her. "I just need time to figure this out . I'm not leaving you I'm just saying I need time to get over this. Maybe we should take some space away from each other after this weekend".

"I would say no but I agree that we need the space to clear our heads on our own, but for this trip I need you to be with me all the time. That means no more motels. I want you to be with me".

"I think that's a great idea. Motel beds are crap anyway". She laughs a little and I peck her on the lips.

"Lets go see your mom. Hopefully she isn't high again. Morphin fucks her up".

"Oh shut up Tyler" she playfully punches my ribs. 

She grabs ahold of my hand and I don't pull away as much as I want to I won't be a dick to her. She needs me right now and it's only fair I be there for her because if i don't poor Josh will be back in the picture. The thought grinds my bones.

Honestly I just want to rocket punch the fucker straight in his fucked up face. Whip his ass for him and make him feel how I feel.