This is different from what I do on here, but just bare with me
I'm going to explain myself, what really goes on in my head, I rant on here from what's in my head at the moment, but none of you really know me, you just know what I'm thinking at the moment.
Well, to get started, I have bad anxiety. It's gotten worse over the years. Some days I can control it fairly well, sometimes it's out of control and I don't know what to do with myself. All of this started with this little thing called stress. It was passed onto me from my mother. I stress about everything. School. Dance. Homework. My mental health. What people think of me. You name it, I stress about it.
All of these things crams into one and I can't control it.
That's not the only thing I stress about
I'm constantly thinking about my family and friends.
My whole family is known for fighting. They have fought for a long time. Every time I see them I stress about what they're going to say or if they're going to get into a fight. I worry about my mom. She stresses so much. She tries to do everything for my brother and I but sometimes she just can't. Then there's my dad, oh god. He thinks he's right all the time about everything. I can't say one thing without him bickering at me. Then there's my brother, he stressed too. I passed it onto him. I feel so guilty. But I can't help it.
Then there's my friends. They struggle, a lot. More than me. They have been through so much shit. If it were me, I don't know how I would've handled it. They're all I have. To be honest, they're the main reason why I'm happy. I don't want to lose any of them. Some of them I just met a month ago. But I love them so much. If something happened to them I don't know what I would do.
Oh, then there's me, stupid me. I'm just a depressed ten maher who's trying to fit into this world. I can't get anything right. There's always someone better than me, in school, in band, in dance, in life, everything. I can't seem to get anything right. I mess everything up. I have dyslexia, I can't read out loud. I feel so dumb when I'm with my friends. They're all so smart and will get into good colleges, but then there's me who can't get anything right. My grades are slowly dropping. I'm trying to get them up but I can't.
It's not just grades I mess up with, it's relationships. If you've read this for a while you know I talk about relationships a lot. No one likes me. No on ever will in that way. I'm just the friend. The really good friend. That's all I'll ever be. "No you won't you just have to wait" I've heard it all before, it's never going to happen.
There's so much going on, I don't know if I'm going to get it all. My anxiety is getting worse. I can't even talk to people. I'm joining dance again and I'm scared for my life. The people at my dance studio have made me think that I'm bad at everything and that I don't belong. I don't want these new people thinking that too. There's school, where I just don't care anymore. I'm trying but I just really don't care.
I don't know if I can handle all the stress.
I just
I feel like I'm losing it again
I'm falling back
I have scars of shame everywhere. I'm 255 days clean. I will make it a year.
It's just
I don't know
I'll figure it out sooner then later
Right now, I just want everything to stop for a second, cause I can't take it all
I need a break
I just need to stop
