As the water follows the moon

6 (English version)

I remember state of suicide

Standing out the window open wide...

So he kept thinking about death as of a benefactress that could deliver him from all the suffering at once. He enjoyed reflecting on it. These sad thoughts strangely brought peace to his tired soul.

And in one of those gray and boring days that were so much alike, the burden of soul pain has become so unbearable that Teddy didn't want to endure it any more.

In vain he searched for meaning of his life. Around him there was just an emptiness that he could not fill with anything. Everything he has achieved stopped being important.

He must have made a mistake, he was wrong. But what was difference whom he has wanted to be a long time ago and who he became in the end? What mattered to him now at all? Golden and platinum discs? Fans' adoration? Number first in charts? All this didn't make him tremble with joy and excitement any more and didn't bring any satisfaction. Music didn't make him happy now either and even his favorite guitar annoyed him. And he had nothing more left because music was all his life.

(Surely he was thinking in a very egoistic way. He had something else. He should have thought about his siblings who loved him and took his troubles close to heart and about his sick father who had had a stroke and hardly walked and talked very little. But those sensible thoughts didn't come to Teddy's head for some reason and he has become deaf and blind to everything except for his own misery).

At last, having made a final decision to stop his existence on Earth, Teddy pulled his door handle and ran out of his room. The stairs led him up. He wanted to be as high as possible.

In a minute Teddy ran into the library. He used to adore spending time here among the long shelves full of books. The shelves reached the ceiling that is why in the library there was a wooden ladder which he often used. He wanted to know what was there on the top.

He stopped for a moment glancing with a sorrow at the lines of books, many of which he hasn't read and would never read now...Nevertheless he knew that anyway books were not able to save him from his despair.

And in another minute Teddy stood on the broad window sill, breathing deeply an astringent night air which seemed so sweet to him and with pleasure felt the waving of wind in his hair.

For a second he felt sorry to be parted with this entire splendor, but then he remembered about the pain torturing him endlessly and he lifted his leg above the emptiness. And it seemed like the time stopped. There was no more today, yesterday or tomorrow and he felt absolutely nothing including this notorious pain. It looked like this moment was given to him to contemplate his life for the very last time. And in this very critical moment Teddy stumbled and almost fell from the window sill!

He was terribly scared. But wasn't that something that he wanted so much? Didn't he run there for it? Anyway his instinct of self-preservation won. Unwillingly screaming, Teddy convulsively seized the window frame, pulled up his legs and stared into the blackness of the night with horror.

Now with the utmost clarity he understood what he was waiting for. Really he didn't want that much to die. What was more Teddy could call himself the most life-loving man in the world! Till the last minute he has been hoping that someone would notice what was going on with him, would notice and come and save him. But it turned out to be that he was nobody's concern but this was only his fault though. He has moved away from those who were dear to him and proudly by himself cherished his problems and suffering. So there was no surprise nobody came. He just didn't call.

May be he should call now? He should just go down and wake up Martha or Annie or just call Gabe or Timmy or Joseph but Teddy for some reasons couldn't bring himself to leave the window sill.

He didn't know for how long he sat like this staring into the dark night and trying to understand why there was only one idea left in his head. He couldn't get rid of it before (or he didn't want to, having become intimate with it like with the dearest sister), but suddenly he felt that it didn't have a power over him any more. It looked as if someone strong with his mighty hand loosened the chains that had prevented Teddy from freely breathing and moving. It seemed like he recovered after a long and tiring disease and it felt so good that he couldn't get enough of this wonderful feeling that overfilled him. And even if he still was going to do what he has come for, he wouldn't have done it. The infinite silence of the inky-black night suddenly was broken by the voice forbidding him to jump.

Startled, he listened with effort and decided that he was going crazy because the voice sounded in his head. He didn't question himself long to whom this firm, a little authoritative and strict voice might belong. It didn't ask – it ordered, and there was no such force in the world able to resist its command. The bright flash of understanding, like a lightning illuminating flooded with rain darkness, lighted up Teddy's consciousness and, trembling with excitement, he jumped off the window-sill but not outside and in the room. He was hurt because this uncovering truth stabbed him with thousand of knives ripping up his veins and making teeth clench for not letting scream to go from his lips. But they delivered him from useless and obsolete flesh and he humbly and with gratefulness endured this pain.

Losing his strength, Teddy fell on his knees and breathing heavily listened to that voice again and again. Now he remembered that he had heard it before but it didn't ever sound so loudly and clearly. Nevertheless he has never had a need to listen to it but he should have. His eyes opened and he understood why the voice forbade him to take his life. He had the predestination of his own! How could he forget that he was the different from the others?

Having realized this and understanding that the Lord himself helped him Teddy began praying for the first time since long ago. He prayed only when he was a kid and hardly remembered how it was supposed to be, but it seemed to be easy. The words just had to come from the heart.

- Forgive me, God! – he said biting his lips and feeling unbearable burning in his eyes. – Forgive me for I didn't know what I've been doing blinded by pride and stupidity! Please show me the right way! Tell me what my predestination is and how can I accomplish it? And I'm begging you, don't leave me! I will never leave you now...

Praying like this, Teddy cried feeling that each tear running down his cheek cleaned his soul and washed away all the dirt that kept there for these long years of living without God...