As the water follows the moon

7 (English version)

I'm on my search for truth,

On my search for you...

Leaving for France, Teddy knew that it wouldn't be easy there. But he couldn't even assume what trials were set for him by Heaven...

When he has just arrived, one of the brothers was leaving. He has put down his monk habit and that meant he was going back to his mundane life. This event seemed strange to Teddy who had always thought that the path to God was one way ticket. Why did this brother, whose name remained unknown to Teddy, decide to leave the holy abode after several years spent there in prayers, studies and piety? The young monk could not imagine that it was possible. And he'd better not have known about it...

Being a monk meant giving up many things but Teddy accepted it humbly a long time ago. It was not a high price for the infinitude of wisdom, knowledge and understanding that had to be open for him. Standing in front of a crucifix, from which Jesus was looking straight into his eyes, dressed in the grey habit, that completely hid his figure, he took his main vows. He didn't even think that one day it might become hard to keep them. At that time he didn't suppose them as interdictions and didn't think that he deprived himself of something. But he has overestimated his strength.

And it was not only that he had to depress his natural necessities – he was ready for it. During his last weeks at home Teddy tried to turn his relations with Catarina into pure friendship and excluded any physical contact. At first it was hard because each cell of his body desired her badly but he took this challenge as well. And finally Teddy could think about Catarina almost as she were his sister.

At the monastery it was easier because there were no temptations before his eyes. From the other hand Teddy was a thousand miles away from Catarina but he felt her so close like he had never felt when she was next to him. He kept on thinking of her and it was bad for his studies. He was sure about his choice before but then he began doubting his action again. May be he should not have left that girl. For hours he prayed for her hoping that it would bring relief and she would go away from his heart and thoughts but Catarina settled down there solidly. Teddy felt that love to that girl would go on and on in his heart and it was scary. Now he hasn't thought about leaving the monastery and coming back to Catarina yet, but everything that was going on made him very disturbed.

He didn't dare to share these reflections with his brothers-monks in order they wouldn't suppose him a thoughtless person unworthy to be in the holy abode. Confessions didn't help either and in spite of absolution the demon named Catarina kept on torturing Teddy's exhausted brain. In day light he thought about her even during prayers and in the night she came in seducing dreams.

Teddy understood that he would surely make a fatal mistake if it would go on like this. He couldn't keep everything inside himself any more and decided to confess to father Superior.

He attentively listened to a young man's confusing story and then he smiled with tenderness.

- Child, - he said. – You really thought it would be easy? From the very first look into your eyes I understood that in your mundane life you have left somebody who was dear to you... Now you think you were wrong?

- I don't have the answer to that question, - answered Teddy stuttering and feeling himself totally lost under the intent gaze his mentor's strict eyes. – I don't want to doubt but if I didn't know that a monk can leave at any time, it would be easier for me....

- Our cloister is not a prison and our rules are not that cruel, - said father Dominic. – I can not say that many our brothers leave those walls to come back to the world but there were some cases. Is it a temptation for you? Thus pray, my son, and let your spirit get solidity... But if you still will choose the other way, no one will judge you.

- Thank you, father, - Teddy smiled embarrassed.

For some more time he suffered wishing to live in two worlds at the same time until he finally understood that the monastery has become his real home a long ago. He was happy there and he didn't want to change anything. Then he made a decision that if he would ever leave the abode it would never be because of a woman.