Complicated Heart (TaeTee)

The Dawn

Tae

I woke up with this nagging feeling that somehow I've messed up my life. I never slept late, unless I'm gravely sick. To make matters further complicated, I didn't wake up in my own bed. I guess it's not that bad since this is my own house. I woke in my guest bedroom, the room where Tee usually sleeps when he stops by, still in my yesterday pants. The worst part is I'm alone.

I know he's gone. I knew this by just looking at the room. Not only his bag or clothes are no longer here but the room is immaculate. Except maybe the bed. I rolled my head to look at his side of the bed, the place where he slept last night. The pillow is dipped to the shape of his head. I touched the bed next to me. It's cold. Well, what did I expect? He'd been gone for hours.

I felt empty.

Last night's conversation came to my mind. I wasn't just saying those things to make Tee feel better. I thought long and hard before making that decision. I didn't expect him to flip out the way he did. And now he's gone.

I pulled myself off the bed. My limbs are aching from sleeping too long. Maybe I should take a jog to get the blood running in my veins.

Why did you leave without telling me, Tee?

Are you home? I'd like to have a talk with you soon. So please text me?

I messaged Tee while pulling a hoodie over my head. I stuffed the phone in the pocket of my sweatpants, bending low to tie up my sneakers.

Running is making me feel refreshed. I counted the thudding soles of my shoes against the asphalt path. It made me relax just as well a meditation would. It's a cold morning even though it's late. The weather had been cold lately. Yet, sweat poured down my body, soaking the neck of my hooded sweatshirt.

I thought while I ran.

I meant what I said to him. I'm a responsible adult. It doesn't matter who made the first move, I should have known better to put a halt to the whole thing. But I didn't. I let it accelerate. If it's just a onetime thing then I know I deserved to be forgiven. Ji is a lovely person who has a heart of gold. But I kept on messing up. I don't have a shred of control over me when I'm with Tee. What does this say about me?

Considering what's been happening between me and Tee, I feel that I'm a very unreliable person. I can't give Ji the stability she requires in a marriage. Would I be able to be a good husband and a father if I don't have proper control over my desires? She deserves better. She needs someone she can rely on in the future. Not someone who fucks up easily, like me.

On the other hand, I cannot dismiss my feelings for Tee as mere lust. Yes, he woke something within me, something that's been dormant for years. But I care about him as much as I care about Ji. I don't like hurting him. He's the victim in this mayhem. He's the most vulnerable one. I want to take care of him from here onwards. I meant to ask him to be my boyfriend once I cleared things with Ji. But I didn't expect his reaction last night. He's self-righteous and altruistic. My nong is lovely like that. He'll sacrifice his happiness and love for my sake without a second thought. But I won't let him do that anymore. I will make him understand that I want to be with him for real. I just want him to give us a chance, give TaeTee a chance.