exhale

forget

his hands were no longer around my neck, but air still wasn't getting to my lungs. i was gasping, but it was no use. there was nothing going in, and the only things going out were "stop," and "i can't."

he gave me two options. both seemed impossible, so i went with what i thought was the lesser of two evils. that didn't make it any easier.

we got dressed afterwards, and it was as if everything was alright. it was for a moment.

my world started unraveling when i saw that my gas light was on. my car was almost empty, and it felt as though i was too. i had to get gas to fill my car and find something to fill me.

we stopped by my dorm to get money, but i passed my room and went straight to hers. i tried to knock as if everything was okay, but i couldn't do it. i burst in and fell into her arms and let myself fall apart.

of course, that couldn't last too long. i pulled myself as together as i could and apologized as much as she'd let me. when she asked what was wrong, all i could say was "he wouldn't stop."

she tried to get more out of me, but my clothes were getting tighter by the second, and i had to get out of them. i left with the promise of coming back as soon as i changed.

when i walked into my room, i was shaking so visibly she tried to ask what was wrong. i shrugged off her questions as quickly as i shrugged off what i was wearing. i pulled on the loosest clothes i could find and went back upstairs as fast as possible.

by this point, i thought i had convinced myself that everything was going to be okay. i explained to her what happened and how it was my fault. the words felt foreign on my tongue, but they didn't sound like a lie. it had to have been my fault, right?

after some convincing, she promised she wouldn't say anything, and i got her to let me go. he was still waiting in the car. i climbed in, and he questioned what took so long. i blamed it on the fact i changed clothes.

as i drove, my resolve started crumbling again. by the time we got to the gas station, my hands were shaking again, and i felt his hands around my throat. i was sweating, and somehow the cold night air just made it worse.

he asked me what was wrong, and i lost control. i told him to get back in the car but he wouldn't listen. i tried getting back in, but my hands were shaking too much. my keys fell to the ground, and i started crying. i never thought this would happen.

on the ride to the practice rooms, he started asking questions. i answered with lies he wouldn't believe. driving in my state was already difficult, but he was making it harder. he just wouldn't believe me when i said everything was fine.

i finally stopped the car, but he didn't stop the questions. i didn't know what to say. i kept saying that i didn't want to have the conversation with him, but he kept saying we would have it eventually. i didn't know what to do.

why would we have to have the conversation? i'm usually good at keeping it under wraps. it isn't usually an issue. usually i'm okay. usually.

i refused to answer his questions, and we went inside. i tried to leave, but he didn't want me to leave. i know i could have left. i know i should have left. i don't know why, but i stayed. of course i stayed. i always stay for him.

i laid on the floor while he practiced. he'd occasionally ask how he sounded or else say he was doing terribly. i'd tell him he sounded better than i did.

at some point, the tears dried, and i drifted off to sleep. when i woke up, he was still practicing so i took a walk around the hospital. my panic had settled, and it was as if i could breathe again.

i went back to the room and sat back down in the corner. i tried to open up about what had happened, but he shot me down because he needed to practice. i told him it was fine and that the entire thing was my fault. i let him get back to work and took my place curled up on the ground until i fell back asleep.

it really was my fault. it was a miscommunication. i asked for more and then couldn't handle it. that's not on him. i know it's my fault, and i wish i could take it all back. i just want to forget.