exhale

so far

i think this will be the last thing i write.

i've grown so out of touch with expressing myself through writing. i don't even know why i'm writing this.

maybe if something else major happens, i'll write about it here so i won't forget. that's all this has become. i've written about some of the toughest times, and it's nice to be able to go back and read them in order to ground myself.

looking back to the earliest things on here, it seems like i've come so far, but it feels like i'm running in place. i went back and read the first couple of dribbles i've posted here, and i'm struggling to find any growth in myself.

i was with someone who i loved with my entire heart. i had never loved anyone so much before. i really thought he was the love of my life, and i honestly still feel like that. i've always believed that everyone gets at least two or three great loves, and he was my first.

he's a boy with blue eyes and a heart of gold. we fit together perfectly and he made me happier than i'd ever been.

the only catch is that we both weren't ready for what we had. he never knew the answers to my questions and i never knew how to act. our love turned into something no one would want. even then, i still wanted it and i still fought for it.

i lost the battle.

fast forward a year or so, and i'm in essentially the same place.

i'm with a guy that makes me feel things i never have before. he makes me smile and happier than i ever thought possible. i really think he's the love of my life, and i can genuinely see a real future with him.

he's a guy with blue eyes and a heart of gold. we fit together perfectly, and he makes me happier than i've ever been.

the only catch is that he's not ready for us to have something real. he's been hurt so much in the past, and he's afraid to actually be with me in a real way. he believes we're too volatile right now for us to work. sometimes it feels like we've turned into something no one would want, but i'm still fighting for it.

i've come so far and grown so much, but i'm in what feels like the same position. i don't want to sit here and write about the same mistakes over and over again. i don't want to keep doing this.

i can't keep doing this.