Bound By Madness

83. While We

It had thankfully been a far quicker ride from Solitude to Dawnstar than it was to return to Falkreath after the assassination of the bride the last time we had been there. I felt far more relief than I had expected upon seeing the Black Door before me again, my hand reaching out at the same time as my Jester Assassin's and blushing at the feel of his warm fingers against mine when he looked over and smiled at me.

Soon the door was opening and we were walking hand in hand down the stairs to the sound of a voice whispering softly from nearby. Reaching the end of the small corridor, I turned to see Ellery kneeling in front of the Night Mother, his head bowed and eyes closed as his lips moved quickly.

"Mother, we have returned! Did you miss us?" Cicero called out as he released my hand and began skipping toward the large coffin placed upon the raised stone of the alcove, Ellery's eyes opening as he jumped to his feet.

"You're back! Faith, are you okay? Did Amicus keep you safe?" Ellery asked as he rushed toward me, his hands reaching out to grab my shoulders and turn me about as he checked for signs of injury.

Laughing silently, I reached up and grabbed his hands, holding them gently as I looked up at him.

Ellery, you don't need to worry so. Of course Amicus kept me safe, not that we had much trouble with our Cicero taking care of most of the guards and sailors so quickly. Oh, Ellery, you should have seen the way he danced! So quick, so graceful! He-

"I do not care about how he danced, Faith. I just want to know you are safe. I... I worried that something would happen while I was not there with you. Just because I'm alive again, it does not mean I don't worry that you will be taken away from me. What is the use of finding a way back if I end up losing you in the process?" He whispered as he pulled me into a hug, his arms trembling as he held me there.

"Ellery would do well to remember that Faith has chosen her Cicero as a lover. Her Cicero would not allow anything to happen to his sweet, gentle Faith, so Ellery has little to worry about as long as she has her Jester Assassin beside her. He will keep her safe from harm, forever and always," my Cicero spoke as he walked slowly up to us, his eyes wide as he smiled sharply at Ellery.

"And if the Night Mother should demand you stay behind while she is sent out?" Ellery nearly growled out the words as I stepped back from him and began glancing back and forth between two of the most important men in my life, while the other two who shared that distinction watched from behind us. "What would you be able to do then, hmm? How would you be able to keep her safe if you aren't even allowed to be there for her?"

Ellery! Stop it! My Cicero is not the only one who tries to keep me safe, so if Mother keeps him at Home for whatever reason she has to do so, I will not be alone. I have so many treasures now that are willing to stand with me. Everyone in this room has done something to protect me when I needed it. Cicero, you, Amicus, and our Bastian have all stood with me. As long as I have each of you in my life, I will never be alone. And I'm learning how to protect myself, too, so that I do not need to be such a burden to each of you.

"But you are not a burden, Juniper. You will never be a burden," Ellery whispered softly, his eyes sad. "I'm so sorry for ever making you feel that way... I didn't want to, I swear. It's just, it took so long for us to work through all the anger, regret, and sorrow. But we did! You did, Juniper. You finally managed to let it go enough to move on. I just wish... that I hadn't ended up holding you back for so long. How can you stand to talk to me after what I've done to you?"

Ellery... My dear Ellery... How could I ever not talk to you, when for so many years you were one of the only ones who ever understood me? Who seemed as if he could hear the voice I don't even have? How could I do anything but stand beside you again when you refused to leave me, even if I deserved it after what I had done to you? Surely that was far worse than anything you think you did to me. I stole your Laughter from the world, Ellery. But... I'm sorry, Ellery... As much as I have wanted you to forgive me for what I did... I need to move forward now. I still want you beside me, but I have so many things I need to do. For Mother, you, Amicus, Bastian... For Cicero and also for myself.

I brought my hand up and rested it against his cheek for a moment before taking another step back and turning to my Jester Assassin.

Even if Mother makes you stay behind sometimes, I am sure she will let you come with us at times. And perhaps sometimes I will be able to stay behind with you. But no matter what happens, a piece of me will always be with you. You shall always carry my heart with you, my Cicero. Forever and always.

The sound of movement from further away had me turning once again, my breath catching at the sight that met my eyes. Babette, her eyes wide as she stood beside the Kitchen Master with our Wolf Nord still making his way up the stairs. The remains of what Family that hadn't fallen to blade and flame.

Oh... I- I had forgotten what it felt like to lose my treasures. I don't like this, Cicero. It hurts.

Blinking, Babette frowned at me before speaking.

"Is that all you think of when you return? Your books and items that you lost? I... I had thought better of you than that," she crossed her arms as she watched me move toward her.

Reaching out, I patted her head before moving past to go down the stairs, my hand moving to give Arn's a quick squeeze as I passed him on the stairs. I tried to ignore the burning in my eyes as I began tugging at my sleeves, wondering where to add to the pattern so it would keep its strength while accepting the changes I needed to make.

"No, Unchild, you should not speak such foolish words. Cicero thought you smarter than that. Sweet Faith does not speak of the trinkets she picked up over the months she stayed with us there. As much as she likes her books and the things she likes to gift people, she will not miss them nearly so much as the treasures she has lost. For dearest Faith, the term treasure is saved for something far more irreplaceable than the items she collected. After all, does she not call Cicero her treasure? Has she not yet called you a treasure to your face? Cicero has seen her call many in the Family treasure when she did not know he was watching her speak to herself or her companions. Perhaps you simply had not shown her that you were ready to hear what you were to her? But that would not change how she saw you. No, she will always consider each of you a treasure to her and such a treasure can never be replaced, no matter how many more come along in the future."