Bound By Madness

4. Withered Leaves

The days passed far too quickly for me in the aftermath of the murder I had contracted. Although nobody seemed to think I had anything to do with the Jester's death, I couldn't help but wait for someone to point at me with accusations on their lips.

No, even though I still felt that Ellery had deserved what came to him, a part of me couldn't help but feel a twinge of regret each time I thought of how sad his bloody cap had looked as I'd tossed it into the fireplace when I'd woken up the next morning. I'd watched as the flames had slowly crept across the silky smooth surface, the once bright colors darkening before the fabric crumbled into ashes.

As days turned to weeks, I began to wonder if perhaps I'd acted too quickly, should have given him a chance to change his mind. Each time this happened, I reminded myself harshly of how many days and weeks had passed before I'd written out the contract that sealed his fate. Weeks where he could have returned and said something, anything, to soften the pain he'd caused me. Even if he would never return to my arms, he could have at least apologized for not breaking things off with me before turning to another's arms.

No, I couldn't question my choices now. It was far too late to change what I'd done. His blood was on my hands, as surely as it had dyed the assassin's hands red. I couldn't change that and I would not allow myself to regret the path I walked.

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Flowers bloomed as Rain's Hand passed, the air soon growing overwhelmingly hot as the months slipped by into Sun's Height in what seemed little more than a blink of my eyes. How could time pass so quickly and yet seem to drag slowly at other times?

I'd managed to get back on my feet, although I felt like I was balancing on a wire at times. How many times had I found myself crouching in a dark room, while several minutes had passed as the owner slept unaware of my presence in his home just on the other side of the wall? Far too often I'd come close to discovery as a guard was patrolling the streets nearby when I shook myself awake from a memory of laughter repeating inside my mind, crouched in front of a darkened doorway with a lockpick in hand.

Oh, how I felt haunted at times by the memories of his smiles, but at least it was not his touch that slipped so gently through my mind in those times where my awareness faded from the world to sink into remembered feelings of hands caressing my sides. Even now, if I just thought about it for a moment, I could feel his lips brushing against my shoulder, his breath ghosting across my skin and chasing the chill away.

The conflicting memories of my Jester's once loving laughter but his murderer's touch upon my skin left me feeling like I was slowly unraveling both inside and out, all at once. If only I could sew myself together again. Could I sew myself back together?

No, no, such thoughts were madness...

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I sat on the floor of the room, giving gentle tugs upon the thread with each stitch, the needle pulling ever so slowly through the surface. The reflection of the fire on the silver surface was almost enough to distract me from what I was doing, but memories of a burning cap had me looking away from the hearth once more to focus on my task. It was almost complete, the final stitches waiting for the pass of the needle.

When the needle stuck my finger, I gave a silent yelp, dropping the slender piece of metal as I stuck my fingertip into my mouth. As I pressed my tongue against the pained flesh held between my lips, I could taste blood and looked down at my 'project' and saw a drop of red upon the surface.

Damned it all! Not again! No, no, no! I'd ruined it!

Grabbing the small blade from the floor beside me, I began carefully cutting the stitches that bound the two pieces together, the strip of yellow cloth soon falling to the floor before being tossed into the fire in a fit of anger. Glaring at my no longer bleeding fingertip, I soon looked down to the basket on my other side and began searching for another strip of yellow fabric, soon picking a new one with a smile on my lips.

Yes, this one will do! This time, I'll be extra careful, I promise!

I ignored the flicker of movement at the edges of my vision. I knew if I looked, he would just vanish again and I didn't feel like being alone again. No, no, not alone again. After all, he was nearly the only one who ever visited me anymore. Not that I needed anyone else besides the two of them. Although I had to admit, I was still unsure if it was Jester or Assassin who kept me company at any given time. Not unless I heard Ellery's laughter or felt the unnamed Assassin's breath upon my skin from behind me.

Ahh, there. There it is! It's Ellery tonight! Hello, my love! Will you tell me a story tonight or are you still mad at me? I promise I'll have your new hat finished soon, then you can wear it and look yourself again. Will you let me see you once you look yourself?

I'm so very lonely. Please let me see you...

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I could feel the Assassin's eyes upon me, even if I couldn't see him. It almost had my hands shaking as I threaded the needle back and forth between the two sides, but if I let my hands shake then I would have to start over again. No, no, couldn't make a mistake. This had to be done right the first time. I'd promised them both that I wouldn't mess up this time.

It was bad enough that I'd done so poorly on Ellery's new cap that he refused to wear it, refused to touch it even. Not that I thought it looked that bad, the stitches even and the fabrics oh so carefully chosen from among the yellow and black strips of fabric. Of course, if Ellery thought it wasn't good enough, that was what mattered. I would just have to try again once I'd gotten better.

And I had! I had gotten better! I would prove it to them both, even if Ellery was the one who seemed to doubt me. Although, I was unsure why Ellery insisted this was the only way he would accept the proof, but who was I to question him. At least the Assassin, who still refused to give me his name, was keeping me company, his eyes watching as the needle worked slowly side to side as it created a delicate pattern across my leg.

See, my sweet Assassin? See how good I have gotten? You should tell Ellery I'm almost done so he can see, too! Surely this will be enough to convince him to let me try again! I know I can get it right this time!