He opened the door and stepped through it, softly closing the door behind him before quickly walking down the hall and away from me, leaving me and his daughter behind as he chased a love that he had only known for a couple of months but was willing...
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Chapter 6 - Hiraeth
A homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was
As if on autopilot, my head nodded up and down slowly, signalling the nurse to hand me the child that I had been carrying inside of me for the past eight months.
It seemed like an eternity, the time it took for her to reach the bed, and once she passed me the bundle of blankets it was like time completely stopped, all of the air leaving my lungs and escaping into the atmosphere around me.
The colour of the blankets around the infant instantly exposed the gender of the infant: a soft pink that made her cheeks look rosier than they actually were.
Right from her button nose to the tips of her toes she was perfect in every way imaginable, her tiny body fitting perfectly into my arms as if made to be there.
I couldn't help but cry, rocking her body as she snuffled deeper into the blankets as if to burrow into the warmth of my chest.
I was quite surprised at her behaviour, mostly because that was what Namjoon would do to me whenever we cuddled or slept in the same bed.
"How do you feel? Not dizzy or disorientated I hope? Though it is normal for women that haemorrhage, we still like to keep a close eye on these things. Enough of this dreary talk, you're a new mum! Enjoy then whilst their small though because they're a real handful when they grow up." The kind nurse chuckled as she checked all of my vitals, softly flicking the IV tube that was attached to my arm to ensure that it was giving me everything I needed.
At every question she asked, all I could do was either shake or nod my head, not able to even look away from my baby even if I wanted to.
I'd been imagining that moment ever since I first found out I was pregnant, always wondering how it would happen or if anything would go wrong. But one word stuck in my head.
Haemorrhage?
"D-Did you say that she haemorrhaged? Couldn't she have died from that? Isn't that really serious?" Namjoon flapped, eyes wide with concern that was being misplaced.
I didn't want him to think about me or bother trying to help. I just wanted him to go back to the life he chose so cruelly, the one that didn't involve me or the baby in any way.
"It can be quite serious but the doctors and midwife noticed fairly quickly what was happening. Your lady was lucky though, she wouldn't have been the first to lose her life in such an awful way. Poor lambs." She sighed before bowing politely and taking her leave, softly closing the door behind her as she went.
On the inside I was panicking but I didn't want to show Namjoon how I was feeling. Knowing him, he would take advantage of it and use it to manipulate me.
"They say that you went into labour early because of stress and overworking yourself when you should have been resting. How could you endanger our child like that? Did you not think of how you were affecting our child?" Namjoon groaned, covering his face with his palms.
I didn't concentrate on his words because I didn't think they were worthy. Namjoon didn't know what i'd gone through or how hard it had been to move away from everything I knew.
"You say 'our' as if you're going to be a part of her life." I replied shortly, seeming to have shocked him as he instantly snapped his head upwards to look at me with his mouth hanging open.
"What the hell do you mean by that? Of course i'm going to be a part of her life. I'm her father for gods sake!" Namjoon exclaimed angrily. His brows were creased inwards and his cheeks blushing a bright red, large hands clenched into equally as large fists.
It wasn't the first time i had seen him angry with me, the arguments we had always advancing into screaming fits and large quarrels that lasted for hours on end.
"She doesn't need you, nor will she want a father like you. No father is better than you." I snapped, shushing the baby as she began to softly snuffle and cry, her tiny face scrunching up and turning a disturbing shade of red.
Comfortingly, I rocked her up and down whilst singing a tune that my own mum used to sing to me as a child. It barely took five minutes for her to quieten down once more.
"You don't have the right to keep me away from my child Minerva. I'm her biological father and I have my own rights! Set aside everything that happened between us because that shouldn't affect the relationship I could have with my child. I know you're angry with me and rightly so but you have to set your pride aside." Namjoon spoke softly, softer than he had in a while.
In the weeks leading up to our breakup all that we had spoken to each other were harsh and cruel, cutting into each other's skin and poisoning our hearts.
The relationship was toxic and it was probably for the best that we went our separate ways.
"What about him? What are you going to do about your...person." I scoffed, to which Namjoon's eyes widened slightly before he looked away, obviously not knowing what to say to me after that.
Things that surprised Namjoon always confused him, leaving him speechless and unable to reply in the calm and collected way he usually would.
"You use that against me every time we disagree on something. Can't you just let it go already?" Namjoon whispered, almost sounding forlorn but I knew better.
The edge of tone on his words was much more complex than any sadness.
It was guilt, guilt for the way that he had treated me whilst he had me.
