He opened the door and stepped through it, softly closing the door behind him before quickly walking down the hall and away from me, leaving me and his daughter behind as he chased a love that he had only known for a couple of months but was willing...
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Chapter 9 - Saudade
A deep, emotional state of nostalgic longing.
"Joonie, do you think we're going to last?" I'd whispered to Namjoon as we lay on his balcony, peering up at the millions of stars that lay billions of miles away, deep in the universe.
The silence, before I had broken it, had been a comfortable one, a silence that filled a void between us that couldn't have been rammed with words.
"What kind of question is that?" Was the reply I had gotten from him, not the answer I was looking for but an cryptic one.
That was what Namjoon always did when he was caught off guard, rambling sentences that didn't really fit well in a way that most people would understand.
"It's a question that i've wanted to ask for a while now. I want to know where you see us in the future. Together, or apart." I had said, noticing the way his breath caught in his throat, almost as if he were shocked by my question.
The Namjoon that was sat with me wasn't one that I interacted with regularly, the man keeping his more vulnerable side hidden so that I wouldn't suspect anything strange about his behaviour.
"T-Together, always." Namjoon had eventually replied but I found myself being disappointed by his answer even though it was what i'd wanted to hear.
The words sounded impersonal, an automated message that didn't really feel as if they were meant to be used in a situation like that.
Not wanting to cause an argument I had chosen not to reply in the way i'd wanted to and sighed softly, pressing myself against Namjoon even more than before.
The muscles under his shirt tensed against my touch and his eyes widened slightly, almost as if he was uncomfortable by having me so close to him. It wasn't the first time he had reacted that way to my touch and the pain didn't get better.
Feeling unwanted, I had slowly pulled away from him and got up, entering Namjoon's house through the window and leaving him outside. He didn't come after me, he never did.
Watching Hana with Dawon was one of the highlights of my day. Hana melted into the role of a mother without even a hint of nervousness, winding and feeding Dawon as if she had raised 3 children of her own.
The expression on her face was priceless, something that just couldn't be faked or created on purpose.
"You're a natural." I told her, a fond smile on my face as Dawon suckled softly on the bottle, eyes wide open and staring up at Hana in awe.
The poor lamb was probably confused as to why it wasn't me feeding her but she seemed okay as long as the nipple of the bottle was securely in her mouth.
"It's just instincts, most women have them. Experiencing all of this with you has just made me even more eager to have my own!" Hana exclaimed quietly, a giddy smile on her face which expresses how happy she was.
Out of the two of us, Hana had always been the more expressive person, the one who you could decipher how they were feeling just by glimpsing at their face. I tended to hide more often and act emotionless to cover how I really felt.
"She doesn't feel real, not yet anyway. Time has gone so fast and it only feels like yesterday since we actually moved here, back when things were still...raw. And here she is, already a month old." I chuckled, hair falling over my eyes but I didn't make a move to put it back in place.
Sometimes, thinking about the responsibilities I had taken on was just too much for me to bear.
After Dawon had finally fallen asleep, Hana gently placed her into her Moses Basket before walking over to me and wrapping her arms around my neck, swaying us from side to side in a relaxing motion. I couldn't help but relax into the embrace, depending on Hana more than I ever had anybody else.
"You're going to be fine. You, me and Dawon are all going to be fine. You wanna know why? It's because we're going to have each other's backs and stick by each other no matter what life throws at us. Everything is perfect, don't let your mind deceive you into thinking it is anything less than that." Hana whispered into my ear, knowing that I needed comfort and stability, having lacked it as a child.
"Thank you so much." Was all that I could bring myself to say, tears welling up in my eyes but I tried my hardest for them not to fall.
My throat felt raw and scratchy, almost as if I had swallowed sandpaper or the rough part of a sponge. Hans laughed shortly at me, pulling back so that she could look at my face with her hands still placed on my shoulders.
"Never thank me, it should be me thanking you for this amazing opportunity. I've honestly never been happier or felt more alive in my entire life." Hana assured me, face telling me everything that her words couldn't. I nodded thankfully and wiped my tears with the sleeve of my jacket, taking a deep breath so that I could steady my heartbeat once again.
It was finally time to get myself together again and I was more than ready to put the effort in.
